Shrek U-talk (1)

Prévia do material em texto

Shrek U-talk *ARGUMENT*
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
Once upon a time there was an ogre who found a princess and had to forcefully get used to
a bunch of fairytale creatures…
Yeah, yeah, we all know that story… Now let me show you how it really happened.
So, it all started when a Ogre “became friends” with a dunkey
The room is full of fairytale creatures.
SHREK opens the door to All Star by Smash Mouth.
DONKEY runs and hits Shrek
SHREK/ TEACHER
What is this?
Donkey shakes scared of Shrek.
Donkey rumbles and can’t talk
SHREK/ TEACHER
(Impatient)
Hello there… What are you doing in my swamp?
PINOCCHIO/ DAN
It was Lord Farquaad, the new ruler, who decided to get rid of all the fairytale creatures.
SHREK/ TEACHER
What the fuck? Not in my swamp he won’t! We might have to grab a talk this Farquaad and
I. Does anybody know where he lives?
Only Donkey reacts
DONKEY/ CAMI
Me, pick me, I do, I know the place…
SHREK/ TEACHER (CONT.)
(to the audience)
Anyone else? Any of your monster looking creatures?
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
And so they left, beginning an annoyingly amazing relationship…
AT DULOC
LORD FARQUAAD throws milk at GINGERBREAD MAN/ MARI
LORD FARQUAAD/ FE
Tell me where’s the rest of those creatures?
Farquaad gets Ginger’s legs and plays with them.
FARQUAAD/ FE (CONT.)
(Ironic)
Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man.
GINGERBREAD MAN/ MARI
You are a monster.
FARQUAAD/ FE
(Mad)
I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my
perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others?
GINGERBREAD MAN/ MARI
Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.)
GUARD/ JU appears with MIRROR/ SOPHIA
MIRROR/ SOPHIA
Finally the day has come my lord. You can finally choose your princess!
FARQUAAD/ FE
I just hope my options are better than last time…
Farquaad says while he throws a mirror across the stage.
MIRROR/ SOPHIA
(chuckles nervously)
Of course, just relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's “Solteironas”. And
here they are! “Solteirona” number one is a mentally abused girl, who likes sushi and hot
tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please
welcome Cinderella.
CINDERELLA/ ÉRIKA appears cleaning the place.
MIRROR/ SOPHIA (CONT.)
Although “Solteirona” number 2 lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her
dead, frozen lips and find out. Come on. Give it up for Snow White!
SNOW WHITE/ BEATZ is lying dead on the bed.
MIRROR/ SOPHIA (CONT.)
And last, but certainly not last, “Solteirona” number three is a fiery redhead from a
dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's
a loaded pistol who likes pina coladas and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing,
Princess Fiona!
So what “solteirona” will it be?
FIONA/ DANI appears giving a royal bye.
Farquaad/ Dani gives an opening for people to judge and asks help from the audience.
Most people say 3/ Fiona
FARQUAAD/ FE
Okay, okay, uh, number three!
MIRROR/ SOPHIA
Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona.
GUARD/ JU takes the mirror back.
FARQUAAD/ FE
Now the first man big enough that I see shall save the princess and bring her to me.
Shrek slams through the door.
SHREK/ TEACHER
Donkey, are you sure we’re in the right place?
Farquaad measures his side, playing with and comparing his muscles.
DONKEY/ CAMI
Well, it was this or nothing…
FARQUAAD/ FE
(Shouts)
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE THE BIG WINNER, YOU WILL RESCUE THE PRINCESS
AND BRING HER TO ME.
SHREK/ TEACHER
Wait, I didn't come to do that…
FARQUAAD/ FE
Don’t matter, I'm the king, bring her to me and whatever you need is yours!
SHREK/ TEACHER
Alright, where can I find this… Princess?
Once they leave GINGER gets on DONKEYS back and runs away with them.
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
All the information was given to Ogre, who left in search of the princess, but not stupid at all
Farqaad sent a hunter to take care they did the job right.
PUSS IN BOOTS appears following SHREK AND DONKEY.
DONKEY/ CAMI
Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so
Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of
freaks in the first place. Is that about right?
SHREK
You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
DONKEY/ CAMI
I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to
his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip.
SHREK
Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a
pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to
you?
DONKEY/ CAMI
Uh, no, not really, no.
SHREK
For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think.
DONKEY/ CAMI
Example?
SHREK
Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion)
DONKEY/ CAMI
(sniffs the onion) They stink?
SHREK
Yes - - No!
DONKEY/ CAMI
They make you cry?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY/ CAMI
(disgusted)
You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sprouting little white hairs.
SHREK
No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both
have layers. (Starts leaving donkey behind)
DONKEY/ CAMI
Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake!
Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers.
SHREK
I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes.
DONKEY/ CAMI
You know what else everybody likes? Sandwiches. Have you ever met a person, you say,
"Let's get some sandwiches," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no sandwiches"? Sandwiches
are delicious.
SHREK
No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-
bye. See ya later.
DONKEY/ CAMI
Sandwiches may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet.
GINGERBREAD MAN/ MARI
(Mad)
Shut up both of you. Layers or no layers who cares, I rather get tortured all over again, It’s
better than stay the day with you two.
Shrek and Donkey get scared by his presence
SHREK
Oh no, I can’t handle one more of you.
GINGERBREAD MAN/ MARI
You don’t have to, we’re here!
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
They crossed all the obstacles that kept them outside of the castle, but their biggest
challenge was the monster living inside, guarding the princess.
BIG BAD WOLF/ PEDRO
(Join the narrator; to the audience)
I just wanted the cookie you know, so the rest is their fault.
beat
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM
(Cat Noises)
The Puss attacks them, trying to throw them on the lava, they fight and Puss almost falls, but
Shrek is able to catch him.
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM (CONT.)
Let me! Damn Ogre! (Between cat noises)
Shrek threatens to throw him at the lava.
SHREK
Who sent you kitty?
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM
I came in the name of Farquaad.
SHREK
Of course you did!
Shrek lets him go.
SHREK
Let 's go…
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM
Wait ogre, you’ve spared my life, the least I can do is to return the favor.
They go together to the castle.
Shadow trick: Huge Wolf
BIG BAD WOLF/ PEDRO
Is that food that I smell?
Donkey hides and chaos takes the room.
SHREK
That’s just a gender-confused bit mad wolf.
BIG BAD WOLF/ PEDRO
Do you know how long it has been since I haven’t had a proper meal?
DONKEY/ CAMI
And it’s not today you’re gonna have one.
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM
What happened doggie, has the cat got your tongue?
BIG BAD WOLF/ PEDRO
(to Donkey)
Don’t worry i’m not talking to you darling, I mean the cookie. I'm vegetarian and I’m so
hungry… we never have sweeties in the castle.
SHREK
Oh alright, you can take him
DONKEY/ CAMI
(shouts)
SHREK!!
GINGY/ MARI
What do you mean take me? I’m with you. I thought we’re buddies…
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM
I agree with the ogre.
GINGY/ MARI
How come? You can’t let him eat me.
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM - SHREK
Can’t we?
DONKEY/ CAMI
No, he's kinda cool.
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM
So look, if you let him go, you can take the donkey and I’ll personallyget you cookies outside
of here.
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
The wolf agreed and so they went after the princess…
Fiona is playing around her room.
SHREK
Hey there princess, let's go…
Fiona screams.
PUSS IN BOOTS/ KIM
Buddy, you’re not the prettiest, you can’t come over like this, let me show you how it’s done.
Puss does the eye thing.
Fiona pets the kitty and they leave the castle.
Soundtrack on the back Fiona and Shrek walk in front having fun animal balloons -- fart
competition etc…
They slow down so the others catch up.
FIONA/ DANI
so where are we going?
DONKEY/ CAMI
To ur future husband
FIONA/ DANI
HA funny, but no, for real…
GINGY/ MARI
We’re for real!!
FIONA/ DANI
We gotta stop like, now!
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
And so they stopped…
Dan’s mask up pause (1min)
Double scene: Wolf just follows Donkey around admiring him.
A
SHREK
So, I think I'm really enjoying her company to be honest.
PUSS/ KIM
Perhaps you should tell her that ogre, we shall never let a lady get away before trying our
shot.
SHREK
She’s a great friend, but I gotta do whatever makes her happy!
WE STOP IN PLACE --
B
DONKEY screams seeing “TRANSFORMED” Fiona.
Fiona shuts his mouth.
DONKEY/ CAMI
You’re…
FIONA/ DANI
It’s me fiona…
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
And for hours they talked…
GINGY/ MARI listens through the “door”.
FIONA/ DANI
But how could someone love a thing like this. How could someone ever love an ugly ogre?
GINGY/ MARI rushes to SHREK.
GINGY/ MARI
Man, she said you’re a quote unquote “An unloved ugly ogre”.
SHREK
You know what, kitty go get farquaad, she’ll be happier with him.
FARQUAAD/ FE arrives in the morning.
FARQUAAD/ FE
Let 's go my lady.
DONKEY/ CAMI
Shrek aren’t you gonna do anything?
SHREK
No, I'm just an ugly ogre after all, and now I finally have my swamp back.
FARQUAAD/ FE leaves with FIONA.
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
As we all know, she was cursed. And as most of you could notice, she’s a minor and there’s
no child bride allowed here.
DONKEY goes after SHREK.
DONKEY/ CAMI
Are you stupid or what?
SHREK
What?
DONKEY/ CAMI
Why’d let her go? I thought you guys were like besties already…
SHREK
She hates me, she called me an ugly ogre…
DONKEY/ CAMI
She called herself an ugly ogre, she’s cursed and turns green every night.
SHREK
What? How? If Farquaad discovers it, this will be the end of her…I ought to save a friend…
We gotta stop that marriage.
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
So they went on their final mission, an honest ogre would never leave a friend behind.
beat
NARRATOR/ BEATZ (CONT’D)
Of course it’s kinda hard being friends with an ogre… but they wouldn’t leave you behind.
They arrive at DULOC.
Forced wedding starts.
SHREK
I have a plan.
They make a circle, the 3 rats join the circle. Tell the rats to prepare.
back to the weeding we can see PRIEST/ JU marrying both Farquaad and fiona
NARRATOR/ BEATZ
(Watching the wedding)
Well they better hurry…
PRIEST/ JU
And If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace…
The rats go through the corridor carrying the little rats. People jump from their places scared.
Chaos is installed.
The Wolf comes and eats Farquaad.
DONKEY/ CAMI
I thought you’re vegetarian
BIG BAD WOLF/ PEDRO
I open exceptions for assholes.
Shrek hugs Fiona. We look upon the magic creatures. Donkey comes with a guitar, all the
characters “sing” “ALL STAR” with the public.