Making friends - a guide for autistic adults

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Making friends
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Overview
I N T H I S G U I D E
Making friends - a guide for autistic adults
What is social isolation and why might I feel socially isolated? 
If you struggle to make and maintain friendships and relationships you can end up feeling socially isolated. 
You might find social situations difficult or overwhelming. Sometimes it may feel as though other people know, intuitively,
how to communicate and interact with each other. Of course, this is not necessarily the case. As an autistic person, you
may feel that your social differences mean other people don't understand you. 
Getting the right support and information can help you in developing new friendships and making them long term fulfilling
ones. 
What is social isolation and why might I feel socially isolated? 
Many autistic people experience social isolation. This may be due to a range of reasons. For example: 
What can I do about it?
Planning and developing social interaction 
you may feel like non-autistic people are unwelcoming, or don’t want to interact with you 
you may prefer to be on your own and enjoy your own company 
you may want to engage with others but lack the confidence or the skills to do so 
you may find it difficult to maintain contacts due to a lack of understanding of small talk and other conventions of
social behaviour 
you may be trying to avoid repeating a past negative experience in a social situation, such as bullying 
you may need a higher level of support for activities than your family, friends and/or carers are able to provide 
you may live independently, without family, support workers or a social network
you may not be aware of suitable activities in your local area. 
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https://www.autism.org.uk/
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https://www.autism.org.uk/get-involved/donate
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It might be useful to plan in times where you can either meet existing friends and family or look to meet new people. You
might want to use a timetable or schedule for your week. 
Routines can provide reassurance and comfort, but can limit social interaction with other people. In order to overcome
restrictive routines, you could plan to: 
Managing anxiety 
Anxiety can limit your ability to socialise. If you experience extreme levels of anxiety in social situations, it might be useful to
talk about this with your GP. A medical professional should be able to offer support and advice and may be able to
signpost you towards support services. 
Qualified counsellors can often offer information on techniques that may reduce anxiety and develop social skills.
Sometimes advice can be provided via the phone or email or a home visit may be arranged. 
The NHS often offers counselling following a GP’s referral. It is important to contact a qualified counsellor with specialist
knowledge and understanding of the autism. 
Finding social groups 
You may feel more motivated to join a social group where the members have similar interests to your own. Having common
ground, or something members enjoy talking about, makes it easier to start and maintain a conversation. 
If you prefer communicating online, you could join our online community, which has forums specifically for autistic people.
Find out more in our 'Your next steps' section below. 
Taking part in a group or activity 
Once you found an activity that interests you, get in touch with the group leader, find out what the format for the activity is
and ask for further information. 
You may need to become a member of some social groups to attend meetings, which might mean paying a fee. You should
ask the organiser about this and find out whether you'd need to make a one-off payment or commit to a weekly, monthly or
annual fee. 
Should I tell people that I’m autistic? 
 
If you are attending a group that isn't specifically for autistic people, it's up to you whether you tell people about
your diagnosis. Giving people this information can give them a better understanding of your needs and the group may be
gradually introduce change by identifying one new place to go to every week - for example a local shop 
focus on places where it is possible to meet new people. In time, you may get to know people you see regularly 
practise a few bits of small talk, such as 'How are you today?'. This may help to reduce your anxiety about making
contact with people. 
find local support groups and projects aimed at autistic people 
search online for information about local activities, sports clubs, talks, or groups in your area 
learn a new skill. This can often lead to making new friends. Your local college might run adult education courses in
things like art, IT and cooking 
ask your manager at work or other members of staff about after-work activities, if you are in employment.
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able to offer additional support. However, deciding to 'disclose' is a big decision. Some autistic people have told us that,
for them, disclosing left them vulnerable to bullying. If you are joining a group where you don't know anyone, you could try
talking about this issue with your family or friends, or with the person who organises the group. 
Is this the right group for me? 
To make sure the activity is right for you, you may try going along as an observer at first. 
If you feel you may need additional support to take part in the activity, ask if a family member, friend or carer can come
along or if the group could provide some extra support. Add the activity or group meeting to your calendar. 
Don’t feel pressured to attend for the whole of the activity or meeting, or to go on your own - especially at first. Over time
you can increase the length of time you stay, eventually aiming to attend the whole session without additional support. 
If you have any issues at the group, discuss these with the group leader so that they can be resolved as soon as possible. 
Meeting new people 
When meeting new people it might be useful to have some prepared questions or introductions to start the conversation. 
Examples of topics you might start a conversation with might include: 
Some people may enjoy these ‘small talk’ topics. To others, they may seem uninteresting or unnecessary. It completely
depends on each person and their interests. However, ‘small talk’ can often progress into more in-depth conversations and
you may find you have things in common with the person you are talking to. For instance, you may like the same TV show,
book, film, or have similar taste in music. 
There are certain topics that are best to avoid such as: 
How does a conversation end? 
Watch out for signals that someone wants to end a conversation with you. These may include: 
the weather 
TV programmes, films, and books 
music 
what you did over the weekend. 
critical comments about a person’s appearance, eg saying that you do not like their clothes 
money. eg asking someone how much money they earn 
age. 
not asking questions back 
looking around the room 
saying they have something else to do. 
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Share guide:
If you aren’t sure whether they want to carry on with the topic, you could say 'Would you like me to tell you more?' or 'Would
you like to talk about something else?'. 
Recognising how others are feeling 
What is appropriate to say to a person will depend on how they are feeling about the subject. Youmay find it difficult to
tell how someone else is feeling. They might not actually say how they feel and you might find it difficult to read body
language and facial expressions. 
If you are not sure how someone is feeling, you can ask them how they feel. 
Sometimes people don’t tell the truth because they want to make the other person happy or not cause offence. Some
people call these 'little white lies'. 
If someone is upset about something you’ve said or done in a conversation, it doesn’t mean they don’t like you. Saying
sorry usually helps. If you are not sure why the person is upset, you can ask. 
Try not to be too hard on yourself. Remember that each person is different and that there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to
socialise. A lot of people (both autistic and non-autistic) find social situations difficult, particularly when talking about
feelings. 
Tools like Mind reading can help you to recognise emotions. 
Getting formal support with socialising 
You may need some additional support and help from outside of your family and friends to get involved in social activities.
You can request more formal support through your local authority and their social care team by requesting a community
care assessment. 
Your next steps 
You can also access support and friendship by joining our online community. 
There are also lots of other autistic people that offer advice online about making friends, such as Purple Ella’s
video ‘Autism and Friendship’, which explore strategies for overcoming relationship difficulties. 
Read the Spectrum, our quarterly magazine (available in print and online) written by and for people on the autism
spectrum. 
Join Circles Network, which offers support to people of any age who are isolated or at risk of isolation. A circle of support,
sometimes called a circle of friends, is a group of people who meet regularly to help an individual accomplish their
personal goals. 
Visit the Asperger syndrome Meetup website. Meetup aims to help people all over the world contact each other and they
have a section dedicated to Asperger syndrome. 
Article sources
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https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/community
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ET90WSaKPw
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ET90WSaKPw
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/the-spectrum
https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/the-spectrum
https://circlesnetwork.org.uk/
https://www.meetup.com/topics/asperger-syndrome/