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<p>NEW From the makers of BUILD BETTER KEEP CALM MAKE ME-TIME RELATIONSHIPS Psychology Now UNDER PRESSURE A MUST-DO Live Yourself ACHIEVE TRUE HAPPINESS AND FEEL MORE FULFILLED Happy How LEARN TO TRUST DECLUTTER FIND YOUR MANTRA YOUR HOME MASTER FORGIVENESS SET YOUR PRACTISE GRATITUDE MIND FREE BE MORE SELFISH MAKE TIME TO PLAY EMBRACE + YOUR INNER TOP 10 CHILD & HAVE THERAPIES MORE FUN WHICH ONE IS FOR YOU? Meditation THE BRAIN Ease stress by training your brain to remain in the present moment</p><p>WELCOME TO Live Yourself ACHIEVE TRUE HAPPINESS AND FEEL MORE FULFILLED Happy Happiness means different things to different people - what makes one person happy might make another feel unhappy, and vice versa. However, science has shown that there are some fundamental things we can all do to ensure we start living our happiest lives. The decisions we make, our behaviour and, most importantly, our mindset all contribute towards this end goal. Gaining a greater understanding of ourselves will help us to make the right choices we can avoid negativity, be more authentic, and start living more content and fulfilled lives. Why do we feel certain emotions in specific situations? Why do we behave in particular ways? And what can we do to overcome the things that hold us back? Learn all this and more by delving into the world of psychology to build a better relationship with your mind. Packed full of expert guidance from psychologists, counsellors and other professionals, in the pages that follow, we look at how to build better relationships, the benefits of having fun, and why decluttering can be great for our wellbeing. We also look into ways to stress better, how to forgive, the thrill of anticipation and more. The mind is a powerful tool. Learn how to take control of your own mind today for a happier tomorrow.</p><p>CONTENTS Contents 6 38 YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MASTERCLASS 25 GRATITUDE AND WELLBEING FIND YOUR MANTRA 42 26 ACHIEVING FORGIVENESS WHY WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE SELFISH 12 44 WHICH THERAPY 28 LEARNING TO TRUST IS FOR ME? THE GIFT OF. COMPASSION 16 46 REGRETS HOW TO STRESS BETTER 29 ARE GOOD FOR YOU WHY IT'S GOOD TO CRY 18 48 PANICKED? PRESS PAUSE 30 YOU CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING REDISCOVER YOUR OPTIMISM 22 50 MAKE ME-TIME 34 WHAT'S HOLDING A MUST-DO YOU BACK? SURVIVAL OF THE KINDEST 4 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>CONTENTS 70 102 WHAT IS MEDITATION AND 52 LOVE? THE BRAIN BEAT THE CURSE OF COMPARISON 108 MODERN 76 MEDITATION THE GOOD 55 ARGUMENT GUIDE 112 WHEN GOSSIP IS GOOD LET THE TREES 78 TREAT YOU 56 BUILD BETTER RELATIONSHIPS 114 WHY DON'T WE PLAY MORE? EMBRACE THE BLUE 84 60 THE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP 15 WAYS TO MAKE LIFE MORE FUN 90 118 62 THE COURAGE TO COULD COLOUR BE VULNERABLE BE THE CURE? THE GREAT ESCAPE 96 122 64 THE MAGIC WHY DECLUTTERING OF HUGGING CAN BOOST YOUR THE THRILL OF WELLBEING ANTICIPATION 98 BOOST HAPPINESS WITH 128 66 DIET AND EXERCISE BREAK UP THE WANDERING MIND WITH SOCIAL MEDIA LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 5</p><p>YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MASTERCLASS LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 6</p><p>YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MASTERCLASS YOUR MENTAL HEALTH We look after our physical health, but our emotional wellbeing often gets neglected. It's time to make it a priority WORDS NATALIA LUBOMIRSKI espite a staggering one D in four people in the UK experiencing a mental health problem each year, the invisible nature of it means there's often a tendency to ignore problems and just get on with it. But, as Stephen Buckley, head of information at mental health charity Mind, says, "Mental health is just like our physical health: everybody has it and we need to take care of it." He adds, "Thankfully, we've seen the national conversation on mental health move forward, but those with mental health problems still face barriers." The topic remains taboo, especially for " THE INVISIBLE NATURE OF IT MEANS THERE'S A TENDENCY TO IGNORE PROBLEMS " 7 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MASTERCLASS generations - a YouGov survey revealed 25% of over-55s think it's more difficult for ANXIETY " IT'S them to discuss mental health than younger What is it? Feeling anxious is a natural people. Some 71% felt this was because, in the response when we feel under threat. THOUGHT THAT past, anxiety and depression were seen as But if you regularly experience anxiety, weaknesses, rather than health conditions. including panic attacks, which are AROUND THREE strong, last a long time and are difficult to control, you may need help. ROAD TO The impact? You avoid situations MILLION PEOPLE RECOVERY that may make you feel anxious. You'll find it hard to go about your in THE UK HAVE These figures are no surprise, especially everyday life or do things you enjoy. after the recent pandemic. But it's how we Help yourself focus on breathing, AN ANXIETY deal with it that's important. Thankfully, especially during a panic attack. Inhale there are things we can do. "Eating healthily, through your nose and out through your sleeping well, exercising and seeking mouth, counting from one to five. help are all key," says Stephen. "Different Try complementary and alternative treatments work for different people and the therapies, including meditation, and try techniques such as deep journey to recovery won't always be easy." aromatherapy, massage, yoga and breathing or mindfulness. Here, Mind shares its advice on three reflexology, to aid Try peer support This brings together common mental health issues. Not sure if you have a problem? people who have had similar experiences. Read on to find out more about It helps you feel accepted and confident. the secret signs of anxiety. DEPRESSION What is it? In its mildest form, it means being repeatedly in low spirits OBSESSIVE NO MORE - at its most severe, it can be life- COMPULSIVE FEELING threatening, making you feel suicidal. The impact? Symptoms can include "feeling DISORDER (OCD) ANXIOUS! low, numb, worthless or without hope," says What is it? An anxiety disorder with Millions of us are experiencing anxiety, Stephen. "You may sleep too much or too obsessions (unwelcome thoughts, urges and often without even realising it. Most of us little, and withdraw from social contact." worries that appear in your mind, making probably think we know what anxiety feels Help yourself List activities, people you feel anxious) and compulsions (repetitive like. Your heart races, you're short of breath, and places that make you feel good, activities to reduce anxiety, such as checking and your body is bathed in a sheen of and try to find ways to bring these a door is locked or repeating phrases). sweat. But there are plenty of hidden signs, things into your daily routine. The impact? You might avoid situations that too. Follow this advice on how to spot the Do something new This can boost your trigger it, including work or seeing friends hidden signs and do something about it. mood and break unhelpful patterns of or family. You may feel ashamed of your "Anxiety is what we feel when we are thinking. You could try volunteering it thoughts or feel the need to hide your OCD. worried, tense or afraid," says Nicky makes you feel better and less alone. Help yourself Talk to someone you trust Lidbetter, CEO of Anxiety UK. It can be Try self-help Explore cognitive or write down feelings to discuss together. caused by a number of factors, including behavioural therapy. Learn to relax Manage stress feelings of uncertainty, physical health problems, stress, and your childhood experiences. It's thought that around three million people in the UK have an anxiety disorder, and while clammy COULD YOU BE SAD? hands and a pounding heart could signal anxiety, some signs are less obvious. Here are the more subtle symptoms to look out for YOU OVER-DRAMATISE Does your mood and energy dip in the winter months? SAD is a SMALL FAILURES mood disorder or depression that comes and goes in a seasonal "There's a catastrophising pattern. Symptoms, including a persistent low mood, anxiety, loss of nature to anxiety that makes interest in everyday activities, irritability, feeling lethargic, sleeping you perceive things being for longer, craving carbs and gaining weight, are more apparent much worse than they actually during winter. What helps? When it comes to SAD, "the same rules are," says Nicky. If you're overdramatic, you may have an apply as to general depression," says Dr Jeff Foster (drjefffoster. over-the-top reaction to a small co.uk). He suggests exercise, a healthy diet, reducing alcohol intake, failing, which could lead to a socialising and keeping mentally active as ways to reduce symptoms, meltdown or cause you to stay as well as getting outside as much as you can during daylight hours. at home for the next few days, unable to face the world. 8 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MASTERCLASS YOU OVERTHINK anger or disappointment - all "When you're anxious, you're extreme feelings for someone with WHAT IS desperately trying to make sense anxiety. "When we're anxious, of a situation. Overthinking and we want to protect ourselves and labouring over every eventuality is can see risks as threats, so we STRESS? a way of protecting yourself and become risk-averse," says Nicky. gaining control," says Nicky. YOU TALK TOO MUCH YOU'RE AFRAID You may be in a 'high-functioning' TO TAKE RISKS state when you're anxious, meaning Being under pressure is part Sticking to your 'comfort zone' your mind is going at 100mph. As of life, and it can help you means you won't have to face a result, your actions - such as take action, feel energised frustration, embarrassment, sadness, talking a lot - may follow suit. and get results. But if you are overwhelmed, these feelings could be a problem. While stress isn't a psychiatric diagnosis, it's closely linked to mental health. Manage external pressures and develop your emotional resilience you're better at coping, including looking after physical health, giving yourself a break and building support networks. YOU'RE CRITICAL OF YOURSELF AND OTHERS "Being anxious leads to you being hard on yourself. It thrives on the lack of self-esteem you have for yourself and, as a result, you become self-critical and critical of those around you," says Nicky. YOU CAN'T SLEEP When we're in an anxious state, it can be hard for our body and mind to relax, and we can have trouble sleeping, which can lead to bouts of insomnia. YOU'RE DISTRACTED "We may be preoccupied with our thoughts and easily distracted," says Nicky. Experiencing racing thoughts is common with anxiety, but this attention to the 'inner can result in others perceiving us as distant. " BEING ANXIOUS THRIVES on THE LACK OF SELF-ESTEEM YOU HAVE " LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MASTERCLASS " TRYING TO HIDE SYMPTOMS FROM OTHERS CAN IMPACT PHYSICAL HEALTH " YOU'RE UNWILLING TO MAKE FRIENDS Opening yourself up emotionally can make you feel vulnerable and exposed. You may already be imagining losing that friendship before it's even started. "Anxiety may isolate us by way of protecting ourselves from unknown territory," says Nicky. YOU FEEL UNWELL Constant anxiety has a big effect on the immune system, and trying to hide symptoms from others can impact physical health. "Anxiety can make us fatigued and even sick. Plus, adrenaline released can have a negative impact on our stomachs, as well as other parts of the body," explains Nicky. When it's more serious Seek additional help and support if anxiety is disrupting your day-to- day life and stopping you from doing activities you previously enjoyed. SHORTCUTS TO SERENITY These quick tips can help, SO make sure you practise them A person who feels they are not worth listening to will speak quickly, because they don't want to keep others waiting on something not worth listening to. A person in authority speaks slowly; even if you don't feel LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MASTERCLASS very confident, try slowing Keep talking. Having a chat with down and see how it feels. a loved one, sending a text to a friend, or asking your Too much to do? Write down each colleague to go for a walk is the task you can't do right now on a best tonic for a low mood. separate piece of paper. Then, every other day, take a random one and do Standing tall and straight it. You'll soon get through the list. makes you feel better about yourself. Imagine a piece of Learn to recognise negative self- string is pulling the top of your talk can't run any more, I've got head towards the sky, and to stop'). Visualise it as an irritating the rest of your body bug, stamp on it, kill it, then replace straightens accordingly. it with a positive one ('Come on, can do this! Only half a mile left!'). Immerse yourself in nature. So-called 'green therapy', Laugh often. Watch a funny film being outdoors is a powerful or a YouTube video and have a mood-lifter. A Stanford good belly laugh. Science shows it University study showed that helps to lower the stress hormone a 90-minute walk in nature cortisol and can shift a low mood. reduced ruminations, which is a risk factor for mental illness. You are what you do, so if you change what you do, you change what you are. Act in a positive way, take action instead of telling yourself you can't. Talk to people HOW TO BE CALM in a positive way. You'll soon start to notice a difference. If you choose to say 'no' to something, mentally rehearse the "If you're feeling anxious, there are ways you can step back and take control conversation beforehand, saying it before the symptoms build up and take over," says Nicky. simply and directly, giving no more than one key reason. Do not get into DO A BREATHING EXERCISE explaining or arguing: just repeat 'No, because. quietly and firmly. Breathe in through the nose for three seconds, hold for four seconds, breathe out through the mouth slowly for five seconds. Before always saying 'yes' to demands, take a deep breath, so USE A DISTRACTION TECHNIQUE you can touch base with yourself to discover what you would Try the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique - acknowledge five things you can see, four truly, honestly prefer to do. things you can hear, three things you can touch, two things you can smell, and finally one deep breath in and out. Have a list of useful apps that benefit your mental health. Try Headspace, Stress & Anxiety TRY POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS Companion, and Catch Tell yourself, 'I am safe, I am in control, this feeling is anxiety', and repeat until you feel more in control of your feelings. Don't aim too high. Set a goal you know you can achieve, then achieve it. You'll feel good. Now MAKE DIETARY CHANGES set another and achieve that. Small changes to your diet can make a difference to anxiety Soon you'll be setting bigger symptoms. Try eating less processed food, drinking less alcohol, goals and achieving those, too. and cutting back or stopping caffeine. Don't forget that caffeine Visualise yourself at your most can be present in chocolate and soft drinks, too. confident, then link this feeling to a physical action, such as pinching GET ENOUGH SLEEP your thumb and forefinger together. Next time you need to feel confident Maintain a regular sleeping pattern by going to bed at the same time in a situation, pinch your thumb each night, switching off screens at least one hour before bedtime, and and finger together to get back ensuring your bedroom is dark and the right temperature. to that positive mental state. LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 11</p><p>H WHICH THERAPY IS FOR ME? WHICH IS FOR ME? There's a multitude of problems therapy can help with and just as many approaches to take. How do you know which is right for you? 12 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>WHICH THERAPY IS FOR ME? WORDS SARA NIVEN PSYCHODYNAMIC PERSON- PSYCHOTHERAPY CENTRED Stemming from Sigmund Freud's THERAPY psychoanalysis, Freud believed that psychological problems are rooted in the This form of therapy falls into a category unconscious mind, and experiences from called 'humanistic', where the client is seen as a person's past can influence their thoughts able to solve difficulties themselves, given the and behaviour in later life. Positive change is right conditions. Developed by psychologist seen as happening as a result of uncovering Carl Rogers in the 1940s, there is an emphasis repressed events and linking them to present on the counsellor showing unconditional difficulties. You might spend significant positive regard (UPR), which refers to non- time discussing your childhood or recalling judgemental warmth and acceptance. The dreams, with your therapist suggesting therapist aims to ensure a client feels heard connections. This approach also emphasises and understood, and enables them to lead the idea and exploration of transference, the session and set the pace. Compared to a where feelings you experienced in previous psychodynamic counsellor, a person-centred relationships may be projected onto your one is more likely to occasionally reveal their therapist - for example, you view them as a own experiences (self-disclosure) if they see it critical teacher or favourite uncle. as helpful for emphasising understanding. Suitable for A wide range of issues, Suitable for All ages and a wide range of issues, including depression and anxiety. including grief, depression, anxiety and stress. Considerations Some people might Considerations The outcome of person- prefer to focus on the present than centred therapy depends on what a client revisit their childhood. Therapy may chooses to talk about in sessions. Some take place over a longer time frame people might want more directive help than than some other approaches. this form of counselling typically provides. GESTALT THERAPY Gestalt therapy is another form of humanistic therapy based on the belief in a client's natural ability to achieve healthy balance and growth. Developed by psychotherapists Fritz and Laura Perls, it places a strong focus on immediacy in addition to the client/counsellor relationship Although any skilled therapist will pay attention to your body language, a Gestalt therapist is more likely to comment on this. They might tell you they notice you tapping your feet when discussing a particular topic, for instance, and encourage you to " SOME PREFER TO FOCUS on THE PRESENT THAN REVISIT CHILDHOOD LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 13</p><p>WHICH THERAPY IS FOR ME? Considerations Therapy tends to be " A CBT focused on specific goals and outcomes EYE MOVEMENT and is often relatively short term. Exposure THERAPIST therapy (where you confront situations DESENSITISATION you generally avoid) can be WILL BE MORE REPROCESSING DIALECTICAL DIRECTIVE AND THERAPY (EMDR) BEHAVIOURAL Developed by a psychologist called ENCOURAGE YOU Francine Shapiro in the late 1980s, EMDR THERAPY (DBT) aims to help the brain to reprocess TO CHALLENGE traumatic memories. Clients won't lose An adaptation of CBT, which uses some of the memory but ideally it should not NEGATIVE the same skills, DBT was developed in the continue to trigger such strong emotions. 1970s and is aimed at people who struggle EMDR has a specific structure, with BELIEFS with very intense emotions. For this reason, eight stages that a therapist works it is the therapy of choice for treating people through with you. After the initial stages, diagnosed with borderline personality therapy involves activating a disturbing disorder (BPD). Like CBT, it focuses on memory while introducing what is called change but there is more of an emphasis on bilateral stimulation (BLS) involving eye consider what that means. There might also mindfulness and learning how to regulate movements, physical tapping or other be aspects of role playing and creativity, emotions and tolerate distress without stimuli to activate both sides of the brain. using pebbles or other objects. The turning to harmful coping mechanisms. Suitable for EMDR is recognised by the is a well-known Gestalt technique Suitable for Mental health conditions, World Health Organization (WHO) as a where a client is encouraged to address including BPD, self-harm, eating treatment for post-traumatic stress disorder a chair as though someone they have an issues, addiction and PTSD. (PTSD). It can also be used for a range of other unresolved issue with is sitting there. Considerations People undergoing DBT issues, such as unresolved grief and mental Suitable for Issues including might be asked to commit to more illnesses, including personality disorders. anxiety, depression, low self-esteem than just one-to-one sessions - group Considerations Talking about difficult and relationship problems. skills training, phone coaching and memories in detail isn't seen as a significant Considerations Some people enjoy homework could also be involved. part of the process, which could be helpful the more creative techniques used in for people keen to avoid that, although Gestalt therapy, while others might feel they will be asked to recall experiences. uncomfortable. As with any form of This therapy isn't considered suitable for counselling, feeling safe and having a good TRANSACTIONAL clients with substance abuse issues. level of trust with your therapist is key. ANALYSIS (TA) COGNITIVE Transactional analysis focuses on the way ART THERAPY you relate to others, be that your partner, BEHAVIOURAL your boss or a family member. Developed As the name suggests, this form of by psychiatrist Eric Berne in the late 1950s, psychotherapy uses art as a form of THERAPY (CBT) it divides the human personality into three communication and way of addressing basic ego states: parent (with nurturing difficult emotions. Complex emotions can and critical sides), adult and child. This be put onto paper or canvas, and creating CBT falls under the category of behavioural aims to increase our understanding of and discussing the resulting art with a therapy and is goal orientated. A CBT interacting with others and the responses therapist can help give clients clarity therapist will be more directive and we get, such as regularly being in critical over intense but confused feelings and encourage you to challenge and change parent mode when speaking to your connect with their unconscious mind. negative or outdated beliefs that are partner, which then results in conflict. Suitable for Art therapy can be used by causing difficulties. They might also set TA therapists also look at our beliefs in people in a wide range of situations, to do between sessions. terms of 'scripts' and help a client re-evaluate including physical illnesses, such as This could be a good approach for any unhelpful ones formed while growing cancer, learning disabilities, eating conquering a specific fear, such as starting up, which are impacting negatively on them, disorders and dementia. It can to drive again after a road accident. While a for example, must never make a mistake'. also be used with children. person-centred counsellor would focus on Suitable for A range of issues, including Considerations You don't need to be empathy and a CBT therapist relationship difficulties, low self-esteem and a budding Michelangelo or Monet to would be aiming to uncover the beliefs and workplace challenges. TA is often applied have art therapy no artistic skills fears you have about this, challenge these outside of the therapy room, for example are necessary; however, some people and take steps towards overcoming them. in coaching or educational situations. may feel less comfortable than others Suitable for In addition to depression Considerations Supporters of TA cite the expressing themselves in this way. A and anxiety, CBT can be used to treat simple models and language, which are much skilled therapist should provide plenty obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), easier than some other theories for clients to of opportunity to work through the phobias and substance abuse issues. understand and apply to everyday situations. emotions the art session brings up. 14 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>WHICH THERAPY IS FOR ME? INTEGRATIVE as confusing or completely random. can be made to limiting beliefs that have Integrative therapists work to tailor their influenced or directed the client's life. THERAPY approach to a client's needs, not use Suitable for Anxiety, phobias, different ones just for the sake of variety. addictions, low self-esteem, insomnia and stress-related conditions. Rather than specialising in one, many Considerations Hypnotherapy isn't advised therapists now train in a range of different therapeutic approaches and use these like HYPNOTHERAPY if you have psychosis or a personality disorder. As with any form of therapy, it tools in a toolbox, to be taken out according is important to ensure a hypnotherapist to what seems most useful at the time. Hypnotherapy isn't a theoretical approach or is suitably trained and check them out One week they might work in an entirely considered a traditional talking therapy that with the relevant regulatory body. person-centred way, allowing the client to falls under the remit of the British Association lead the session. Another time, they might of Counselling and Psychotherapy or Whatever therapy you opt for, it is essential outline the ego states that are part of TA the American Counseling Association. your therapist is properly qualified and theory to help the client gain insight into However, there is evidence that it can be works to professional standards. In the a relationship difficulty, or draw on Gestalt an effective form of treatment for anxiety UK, the best way to establish this is via training to suggest the chair' exercise. and anxiety-related disorders, such as the British Association for Counselling and Suitable for Integrative therapy is increasingly headaches and irritable bowel syndrome, Psychotherapy (BACP) (www.bacp.co.uk/ common and seen as suitable for many while issues including bereavement, relationship addressing During talking others sessions, therapy report range hypnosis of finding aims other to it difficulties. work combined helpful in a and in the US, the American difficulties and eating disorders. Counseling Association (ACA). Considerations This is a more with on both a (www.counseling.org/aca-community/ form of therapy with less structure than conscious and subconscious level, to bring learn-about-counseling/what-is- some others, but shouldn't be experienced about positive change while adjustments counseling/find-a-counselor) LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 15</p><p>HOW TO STRESS BETTER HOW TO STRESS Bette You can't escape it entirely; but stress isn't all bad, and there are ways to harness it to your advantage</p><p>HOW TO STRESS BETTER WORDS JENNY ROWE S the cost of living crisis spirals, our stress levels are following suit. One KNOW YOUR STRESSORS in five people in the UK say they feel stressed more than they don't, and money worries are one of the primary causes*. But we To stress better (and less), we need to know our triggers. Stress shouldn't be scared of stress. "It's normal," trackers monitor things like heart rate variability (the variation in time says psychotherapist Caron Barruw, CO- between each heart beat) to measure stress levels and help US identify founder of The Niche Group. "It's how we manage it that makes the difference." our personal triggers - we can come up with solutions. The key to We can learn to turn stress into successful stress tracking is to ensure you're asking, 'Why am I stressed?', something more useful - helpful even, not the less useful question, 'How stressed am I?', says Dr Burnett. adds neuroscientist and author of Psycho- TRY IT Most fitness wearables now have stress tracking capabilities, Logical, Dr Dean Burnett. Sound good? Here's or you can try the StressScan app for free (Apple, Google Play). At its how to harness and not hate all stress. simplest, stress tracking could just mean keeping a stress diary. "Rate the stress from 1-10 as it happens," says Caron. "This will help you feel in A helping hand control of the stress rather than the stress controlling you." "Stress is the brain's threat detection system preparing us to deal with danger," says Dr Burnett. It mostly feels unpleasant, but on a fundamental level it keeps us safe. "While are more likely to complete the task to It's important to recognise that there is it is usually the consequence of a negative the best of your ability. This is stress in its a difference between coping with stress situation, there may be positive outcomes," positive form, which is known as eustress. and dealing with it. "Dealing with stress says Caron. This is more likely if we are involves processing stressful emotions working towards a goal that we believe is Striking a balance and actively bringing about changes that positive too, such as interviewing for a new "Countless studies have shown that, up to address the cause of stress," says Dr Burnett. job, getting married or running a race. a point, a person's performance increases "Coping is just putting up with the stressful Ultimately, an optimal dose of stress directly in proportion to how much stress situation and carrying on, which is not a can help us perform better. "The stress they're says Dr Burnett. great long-term strategy, as our capacity for response increases muscle tension and However, if stress levels continue past this tolerating stress will max out eventually." raises heart and breathing rate, which point, we start to struggle. "This increases makes you more focused, less distractible our stress levels again and we can get How to stress better and more motivated," says Dr Burnett. stuck in a stress cycle," says Caron. So can we become better at dealing with Whatever you're feeling stressed about, The main issue with stress is when you stress and stop it tipping us over the edge? this physiological reaction means you have too much of it for too long - this is In short, yes. Like musicians, dancers when acute stress morphs into chronic, and actors who are taught to reinterpret more harmful stress. "When stress is their nerves as excitement, it's possible constant, it's like keeping your foot on the to change our emotional reactions to accelerator," says Caron. "It leads to burnout." stressful experiences into something more positive - though obviously this Breaking point depends on the situation, and mainly Stress is sneaky. It can be easy to keep applies to small-scale day-to-day dramas. cruising through life, not realising you're Optimists who choose to see potential approaching burnout - until you're there. "Our daily stressors (such as traffic jams and brains aren't particularly good at noticing chores) as challenges rather than threats changes that happen over long periods," says before emotions flare up, reduce the Dr Burnett. "But it can be done, particularly if negative impact of stress, as shown in the changes caused by stress are marked." a recent two-decade-long study**. You may be struggling to sleep, have low or You can also try to increase your high appetite, headaches, low sexual desire threshold for stress. "By taking on new or high blood pressure. If you are unable challenges and pushing yourself beyond to finish tasks, feel tearful, worry all the your comfort zone - but in ways that time or snap at people when you normally you feel OK with - you could gradually wouldn't, then stress may be affecting increase the amount of stress you're your wellbeing and it's time to get help. capable of dealing with," says Dr Burnett. " WE CAN LEARN TO TURN STRESS INTO SOMETHING MORE USEFUL 17 *Ciphr. **The Journals of Gerontology</p><p>PANICKED? PRESS PAUSE LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 18</p><p>PANICKED? PRESS PAUSE Press It's easier than you think to take back control when you're having a panic attack WORDS ROSE GOODMAN pounding heart, crushing Spot the signs pain," explains Dr McClymont. Trembling, chest pain and debilitating The overwhelming symptom of a panic dizziness and feeling detached from terror may sound like the attack is a sense of impending doom or reality are also common symptoms. signs of a heart attack, but anxiety. "This may be accompanied by The physical symptoms can be SO for those who suffer from difficulty breathing (hyperventilating), extreme that some sufferers may go to panic attacks, these scary symptoms are sweaty palms, a racing heart or muscle A&E, believing they are having a heart all too common. Sound familiar? You're not alone - up to a third of people will experience at least one panic attack in their lifetime*, while others will have regular SUPPORTING A LOVED ONE attacks or several in a short space of time. Whatever your experience, there are ways to bring a panic attack under control. Here, our experts explain what could help... If you're with someone who is experiencing a panic attack, it can be difficult What happens? to know how to help. But there are some simple ways you can help make "A panic attack is an intense emotional and them feel safe and at ease. "Don't touch them. Speak calmly and slowly, physical response to a sense of dread or says psychologist Dr Alison McClymont. remind them where they are, that they are safe, and that you are there," "It may have an obvious trigger (such as says Dr McClymont. "Try modelling slow, calm breathing (in for four and being under stress), but it may also come out for eight), get them some water and keep reminding them that this will on seemingly unprovoked and can make pass, and that breathing is the key." you feel as if your health - or, in extreme situations, your life is under threat." LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 19</p><p>PANICKED? PRESS PAUSE Move on to the soles of your feet. Keep breathing slowly and 5 WAYS TO PREVENT gradually move up through your body, checking in, moving and AN ATTACK relaxing each part as you go. When you've completed this, gradually go back down your body in the same order whilst continuing These daily habits can help to reduce future panic attacks, says the your slow and steady breath Mental Health Foundation: style. This can be a really useful activity to help you de-stress and Practise better breathing (do the 4-7-8 breathing technique daily). be more mindful and body aware. Take regular exercise, such as walking or yoga. IMAGINE A SAFE SPACE This will help to reduce stress and improve your mood. Also known as visualisation, this technique requires you to imagine Eat frequent meals to stabilise blood-sugar levels. that you're in a calm, safe and soothing place. "Think about what Avoid caffeine, alcohol and smoking. you can see, hear, taste, smell and feel," says clinical psychologist Dr Try mindfulness to bring you back to the present moment. Marianne Trent, creator of The Feel Download the Calm app (£7.99/$14.99 per month, iOS and Android). Better Academy. "Know that you can revisit this place in your mind whenever you choose." Your safe attack. However, while panic attacks back to the present moment. This space could be anywhere - from a tropical beach or your garden in the are frightening, they're not dangerous exercise requires you to engage and won't cause you physical harm. all of your senses by naming: summer, to a relaxing bubble bath. BE AWARE Stay calm Five things you can see. Feeling stressed out? Integrative If you feel a panic attack try to think of it like a big wave. You cannot Four things you feel, such as counsellor Katharina Wolf suggests stop it. but you can ride it. "Distract yourself the texture of a chair or the using a technique called AWARE, temperature of the room you're in. which works to move your brain from catastrophic thoughts and don't from a state of high anxiety to buy into them," says Dr Paul Three things you can hear. a place of calm, and helps to consultant psychiatrist for the Priory avoid creating further triggers. Group. There are also things you can do to take back a feeling of control. Two things you can smell. Accept the anxiety/panic. JUST BREATHE One thing you can taste. Fighting it will only heighten it. "Try to slow your breathing, even If you can't taste anything, Watch and scale your panic/ though you will feel that you name a taste you like. anxiety from one to ten (with ten need to breathe harder," says Dr NOTICE YOUR BODY being maximum panic/anxiety). McLaren. This 4-7-8 breathing exercise will help activate your A body-scan exercise can release Act normally, while parasympathetic nervous system, tension you're not even aware you're which is responsible for relaxation. holding. Practising this technique imagining yourself calm. regularly can help reduce anxiety, depression and fatigue. During a Repeat the above three steps. 1. Close your mouth and inhale through your nose for a count of four. panic attack, doing this exercise can help to bring you back to your body Expect the best. Use positive statements such as, 'This can't 2. Now hold your breath and feel safe within it. Give it a go: harm me'; 'I can master 'this'; for a count of seven. Sit or lie down in a comfortable 'This will go away soon'. 3. Exhale completely out of spot and position. your mouth, making a 'whoosh' Rest and recover sound, for a count of eight. Start with the breathing strategy It's common to feel exhausted and emotional described in the previous column after suffering a panic attack. "Go to a calm 4. Inhale again and repeat the cycle and then focus on your toes. and quiet place. Play some music and take three more times, or more if needed. time to comfort yourself and re-engage with Check in with what you can your surroundings," advises Dr McClymont. GROUND YOURSELF feel and how they feel. Give "Drink water and, if you feel dizzy, try eating Try the 5,4,3,2,1 grounding them a little wiggle. a small amount of sugar. The most important technique, which will bring you thing is to be still, breathe, and show yourself 20 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>PANICKED? PRESS PAUSE compassion for the intense and frightening experience you have just endured" " IT'S common TO FEEL Panic attack or anxiety attack? While these terms are often used EXHAUSTED AND EMOTIONAL AFTER interchangeably, the symptoms of a panic attack and an anxiety attack do differ SUFFERING A PANIC slightly. "An anxiety attack is usually not accompanied by such a sense of impending Is it panic disorder? doom or death," says Dr McClymont. "The If you experience panic attacks, it doesn't physical symptoms are similar, but in a panic necessarily mean that you have panic IBEAT attack the threat response is more highly disorder. As Dr McClymont explains, elevated and things such as hyperventilating panic disorder is classified as having at or chest pain are more likely to occur." least one panic attack and subsequent THE FEAR' fear or intrusive thoughts about Stop the cycle having another, across one month. Talking therapies such as cognitive If you're resorting to unhealthy coping behavioural therapy (CBT) are often used mechanisms or ways of preventing an Dr Sophie to treat panic attacks. "It is likely that panic attack for example, avoiding certain Mort, clinical developed for an important reason to protect situations that have caused you anxiety you from something painful or difficult, says in the past you may be diagnosed with psychologist and Dr Trent. "Working through these reasons panic disorder. However, this can only be the author of A and learning more about why you respond diagnosed by a professional and may require Manual For Being in the way you do can be incredibly useful, both medication and therapy to treat SO Human** (£14.99/$18.50, Simon & and enable you to enjoy your life more fully." visit your doctor if you are Schuster), shares her experience of overcoming panic attacks "I had my first panic attack aged 18, when I was on holiday. I kept telling myself I had sunstroke, which was why I overheated and my heart was racing. Then the next day it came back, over and over. I knew then that it wasn't the sun. My panic attacks then escalated to the point where I didn't leave the house for nearly three months, as everything I did set them off. I quit university and didn't see friends. I finally saw a therapist and she taught me techniques to manage the panic. After a month, I noticed that the attacks had lessened enough for me to leave the house. I haven't had a panic attack in years, and I manage my anxiety with yoga, mindfulness and breathing exercises. My favourite technique is saying 'bring it on' whenever I feel the physical sensations of anxiety or panic building. That's been the most important part of my journey, because when I say it and really mean it, it removes the fear cycle that kept the panic alive." LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 21 *Bupa UK. **Follow Dr Soph on Instagram _drsopH</p><p>MAKE ME-TIME A MUST-DO MAKE Me-time A MUST-DO Feeling frazzled? By making a small amount of time for yourself, you'll be instantly refreshed - and happier WORDS SHARON WALKER hen did you last W have time to " WE'RE NOT yourself? When 'mum's went MEANT TO on strike? The laundrette was off duty? The café you BE DOING AND run alongside your actual job shut up shop? If that's the sound of your frazzled laugh, we're not surprised. THINKING ALL But this is no laughing matter. Time to unwind is "like fuel in the tank," says OF THE WE'RE NOT psychologist Dr Jessamy Hibberd. "You need to function at your best," she adds. "We're not meant to be doing and thinking all of the time; we're not machines." Me-time isn't sitting in a bath surrounded by candles (although it can be). Self-care means going for a walk, meeting a friend or staying in bed; whatever you need to reboot. "Tune in to how you feel and go with it," suggests life coach Jayne Morris. The key is little and often. Research shows that the resting brain is anything but idle. Downtime gives us time to process unresolved tensions and to gain perspective. Most of us can't simply down LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>MAKE ME-TIME A MUST-DO me-time hack if you're standing in a queue or on public transport. "Smell is a powerful mood alchemist," says psychologist Suzy Reading. TIP Follow your hand massage with DR JESSAMY HIBBERD a simple breathing exercise, Dr Hibberd is a psychologist and co- recommends Dr Hibberd. Breathe in author of the This Book Will... series. for the count of four, hold for five, and out for six... and repeat. 10 minutes Carve out 10 minutes for yourself by turning any daily activity into a meditation, whether that's taking a shower or getting ready for work. A simple shower can feel JAYNE MORRISR like a full spa treatment if you immerse Jayne is a life coach and author yourself in the experience rather than of Burnout to Brilliance. worrying about to-do lists. Concentrate on the drops of water hitting your skin and use a deliciously uplifting body scrub to add extra zing. Reading suggests you can turn getting dressed into an act of self-care too. Forget grabbing a bunch of scrunched- up clothes from the back of your wardrobe - instead, take ten minutes to lay out your SUZY READING outfit carefully, picking out colours that lift Suzy is a psychologist and author of your spirits. The Self-Care Revolution. TIP For a relaxing break, eat a square of dark chocolate with a cup of hot tools and nip off to a spa. But it is possible tea - and don't do anything else. to carve out time for yourself. Here's how. Focus on the taste, texture and smell, relishing the experience - How to build your 'me-time muscle' and no multi-tasking! If you really in one minute must do something, write a list of If you have one minute to spare at the bus the experiences, relationships and stop or between work calls, put your phone emotions you are grateful for. on airplane mode and recharge with a hand massage. Stash a tube of your favourite 20 minutes lotion in your handbag and grab a moment Perhaps you're sitting on the train or waiting whenever you can. First, rub a few drops for an appointment - now's your chance to into your hand to soften the skin. Use your master the art of savouring. This is a lovely thumb to work into the fleshy heel of your mind-wandering trick that Suzy Reading hand, palm side up, then flip your hand recommends, where you simply start to over and work into the web of tendons anticipate everything you're looking forward between your thumb and fingers, moving to, whether that's a coffee with a friend, a gently up and down to release tension. party or a holiday. You might also want to Next, move on to the joint at the base of dip in to your mental archives to unleash each finger, massaging all the way to the some sunny memories. Researchers at tip. A hand massage is a really good stress- Southampton University found that the odd buster for anyone who taps away on a detour down memory lane can significantly keyboard all day, but it's also the perfect lift your spirits, and those who wrote about " IT'S THE PERFECT ME-TIME HACK IF YOU'RE STANDING in A QUEUE OR on PUBLIC TRANSPORT " 23 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>MAKE ME-TIME A MUST-DO " PICK SOMETHING THAT'S SPECIAL TO YOU AND WILL TAKE YOUR OFF YOUR WORRIES shattered (another of Morris's 40-winks A day tricks). "Just warn the teacher you're taking Take a quiet moment, close your eyes and a rest, SO they don't worry there's focus inwards. Now ask yourself what would something wrong," she says. If you work be the most beneficial way for you to spend near a swimming pool, Morris recommends your day. "Just see what comes," says Morris. a dip as the most nurturing exercise. You might want to connect with a friend, "There's an association with the womb, or if you're always with people - as working when all our needs were catered for, SO parents often are might be what it feels very soothing." you need. Dr Hibberd suggests planning a fun adventure, perhaps a day out to see a TIP new art exhibition or a trip to the seaside. Block out an hour before bed Pick something that's special to you and will to create a wind-down routine. take your mind off your worries. You might Log out from social media, have want to use the time to reset your priorities. a bath, listen to music or read. "I Morris recommends taking five Post-its and happy memories were happier after the write a list of the good things that writing down the five things most important exercise than those who But you have happened," says Dr Hibberd. to you, whether that's work, friends, family don't need a notebook to do this, as the "It reminds you of what you have or hobbies. Put them in order of importance, biggest mood spikes come by replaying and helps you appreciate your life then reorder according to the time you spend happy memories in your head. "This kind of instead of worrying about what you on each. "People often find work is number nourishment is accessible anywhere, at any don't have or haven't achieved." one in terms of time, but that might be the time," says Reading. Focus on how positive least important of their priorities," says Morris. you felt at the time of the experience, rather An afternoon "This shows where things are out of whack than how it's over now to stop the memories If you're thinking you'll use your free and you can spend some time thinking about from feeling too poignant. afternoon to clear that email backlog stop! how you can change your situation." See a friend instead; it will be better for your TIP health and happiness. "Making time for TIP Make a 'happy times' photo album. friends and family is an important part Block this time out in your diary Try to think about what happened of self-care," says Dr Hibberd. We're social and tell work and family that outside the frame, before and after creatures and need relationships like we you'll be out of reach except the photograph was taken - research need air and water. Don't want company? for emergencies. That way shows that this gives the most Go somewhere green - and take your shoes - hopefully - they'll uplifting effect. And share the album off. Yes, really. There's nothing like walking think twice before with the family and friends you were barefoot on the grass to put a spring in your disturbing you. with. This will spark an opportunity step, believes Morris. "The moment we put to reminisce and boost the bond that our feet on the earth we become more aware already exists between you. of our breath. The deeper we breathe, the clearer we can think." And there's science One hour to back this up. According to research at If you're at home, or work for a forward- Harvard Medical School, breathing deeply thinking company, take a nap. That extra helps re-oxygenate our cells, which in turn 40 winks will reduce anxiety, boost regulates our hormones. concentration and increase your energy. You'll also make wiser food choices, improve TIP your memory and think more clearly. Jayne Too many worries running around in Morris recommends keeping a small pillow your head? "Go to the cinema," says in your desk drawer (she used to bed down Dr Hibberd. "It's virtually impossible in empty meeting rooms when she worked to do anything else at the same for the BBC), and setting an alarm SO you time; you can properly switch off and don't 'oversleep'. 15 minutes is best, become absorbed in the film." according to sleep researcher Professor Jim Horne; any longer and you could descend into deep sleep and wake up groggy. If you can't make this happen, move your body instead. Go for a walk or try a yoga class in your lunch hour. You can always take a nap in the back row of the class if you're really 24 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>FIND YOUR MANTRA FIND YOUR Focus your mind and learn how to reverse negative thought patterns by repeating powerful phrases WORDS ALI HORSFALL ositive affirmations have P the power to transform your thinking. Mindfulness TRY THESE POWER practitioner and author of And Breathe... Sarah Rudell Beach shows us how to make a mantra PHRASES DURING work for you. YOUR DAY Words of wisdom Mantras are words and phrases that can focus your mind and reverse negative thought patterns. "You can silently repeat them in your head whenever you need them throughout the day, or say them MORNING AFFIRMATION out loud if you find it helpful," says Sarah. 'I'll handle what today brings' "Once you discover the mantras that most "When we get upset because things don't go to plan, it's often resonate with you, write them down on a Post-it, or on your favourite stationery, and because we weren't aware of our plan in the first place," says Sarah. put them where you'll see them regularly Think about what you're expecting today, you can skilfully meet such as on a mirror or your fridge." the moments that don't deliver. Say it with ease When choosing an affirmation it should MIDDAY REMINDER feel comfortable and appropriate for the internal thoughts that you want to quieten. 'I can do this' 'I don't need to be perfect', 'I will look for the When things get tough during your day, repeat this mantra. "You've good', or 'I will focus on what I can control', done hard things before. Know that whatever it is you're facing, you are good examples. "If a mantra doesn't feel right to you," says Sarah, "modify already have everything you need to handle it," Sarah explains. "You have your presence, your attention, and your breath. You've got this." " DISCOVER EVENING MANTRA THE MANTRAS 'I did my best today' THAT RESONATE Use this mantra before bed. "Reflect on what was good," says Sarah, "what was hard, and who you helped or who helped you." WITH " LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 25</p><p>WHY WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE SELFISH WHY WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE Putting yourself first has more benefits to you and even the people around you than you might realise WORDS SARAH BANKES rom a very young age, we're "I know you don't like mushrooms, F told to be kind, to share, to see but we're guests, SO eat up..." things from other people's Telling kids to do things they really don't viewpoints, to put others first want to do doesn't make us bad parents - and to be polite, amongst nor does it make our parents wicked for many other life lessons. And while these doing the same - but it does send out a are important skills to learn - equipping message that other people's feelings are us with qualities that turn us into decent more important than our own. Coupled human beings - taking these instructions with the idea that to be selfish is a negative to the extreme can actually be detrimental trait, we're brought up to believe that to be a to our own mental health and wellbeing. good person, we must at all times be selfless, As children, we probably remember our altruistic and self-sacrificing, and these parents coming out with the following sorts beliefs lead to a whole host of problems. of phrases (and as parents we're probably We can't blame our parents for guilty of repeating these to our own children): everything, though. A study carried "Give Grandpa a kiss goodbye, out in 2016/17 by a team from go on, don't be rude..." University of California, Los Angeles suggests that altruistic " PRIORITISING behaviour might actually be the default option in our brains. According to their research, an YOUR NEEDS area of the prefrontal cortex can be specifically affected CAN BENEFIT to make people less giving. EVERYONE What's wrong with being selfless? Excessive selflessness leads to an inability to say no. We live 26</p><p>WHY WE SHOULD ALL BE MORE SELFISH in fear of appearing rude and upsetting or her down. What happens? You end up being More often than not, the issue goes offending people. As we go about our lives late because you're squeezing it in around far deeper than wanting to please other pleasing everybody else, if we don't burn out other things. Consequently you're stressed people for their sake. If you'd considered the first, we run the risk of ultimately becoming before you've even stepped foot inside a shopping situation rationally and truthfully, bitter, resentful and pretty unhappy, as shop; you spend the entire trip annoyed the friend could probably have found prioritising everybody else leaves little with your friend for you along', someone else to go with, SO the real issue time to do the things we want to do. when actually you could have said no; and was perhaps not SO much not wanting to Perhaps a distinction needs to be you're anxious about the next commitment let her down, but more about not wanting made between good and bad versions in your jam-packed diary! What would the her to be disappointed in you. Being a of selfishness. A total disregard for other outcome have been if you'd said no? You'd people-pleaser is usually a result of seeking people's feelings isn't always necessary feel less stressed, for sure, you'd have more approval or wanting to be liked, which is when it comes to putting yourself first. time to focus on the other things you're often a consequence of previous life events. However, being aware of your needs doing that day, and you wouldn't resent Stress and anxiety are just two of the and being assertive enough to prioritise your friend. And the friend? She might consequences of being excessively selfless. them can benefit everyone initially feel somewhat put out, but she If you don't start prioritising your needs, you For example, a friend asks you to go wouldn't have to put up with a late, grumpy, become ineffective at what you're trying to shopping and, even though you already stressed-out shopping companion! Being be, whether that's a good friend, a reliable have a busy schedule and want to say no, supposedly isn't always beneficial employee or a good parent. This can then you say yes because you don't want to let to the people you think you're helping out. lead to low self-esteem, depression and Taking time out from the kids might feel like an indulgence but if a one-hour bubble bath is what you need to unwind and destress, your kids are going to be much happier with a relaxed parent than one who is trying to do everything for everyone, and not giving themselves a well-earned break. Over the coming days and weeks, try to focus on prioritising your needs and setting boundaries.</p><p>THE GIFT OF COMPASSION THE GIFT OF Many of us find it hard to treat ourselves with the kindness and compassion we willingly give to others, but it's essential we do it WORDS CLAIRE CANTOR is the willingness NOTICE AND ACKNOWLEDGE ourselves as part of this flawed, C to help others, show kindness YOUR SUFFERING imperfect, complex human and caring when they are Be mindful of your default patterns, race can be comforting. suffering, and try to help relieve habitual behaviours and thoughts. their pain. Recognising, 'Ah these are my LIBERATE YOURSELF FROM is offering that kindness to yourself. negative thoughts helps EXTERNAL VALIDATION We are our own worst enemy. Blaming and break the cycle of believing them. Let go of the craving for approval criticising ourselves, telling ourselves we and validation - try not to align should be better/do more/achieve more. If we OFFER KINDNESS TO YOURSELF your future inner happiness with don't match up to our standards and rules Let go of self-criticism, and offer how you are perceived by others. of living, the self-bullying only gets worse. yourself the sort of kindness We understand that beating ourselves up you would give to others if they HAVE COURAGE AND RELINQUISH is counterproductive. Yet we reserve our were struggling. Ask 'What do SELF-JUDGEMENT understanding for others. We consider self- really need right Self-compassion demands courage nurturing as indulgent, and worry we may to do hard things. You may have take our foot off the pedal and let ourselves WIDEN YOUR PERSPECTIVE reacted a certain way in the past; go. No one can convince us that we too When we struggle we feel alone, allow yourself the possibility of are worthy of love. No new job, another resentful, inward looking. Seeing going down a different path. person, or attaining our 'ideal' weight is going to change how we feel about ourselves. Offering ourselves self-compassion can help to relieve us from the self-defeating messages. Follow these steps to get started. " WE RESERVE OUR UNDERSTANDING FOR OTHERS. WE CONSIDER SELF-NURTURING AS INDULGENT 28 ELF HAPPY</p><p>WHY IT'S GOOD TO CRY WHY IT'S TAKING GOOD CONTROL IF IT'S NOT A TO GOOD TIME TO CRY... It's not unusual for US to feel embarrassed when we cry. "If we're afraid that observers don't consider crying an appropriate reaction to a Sometimes a proper situation, we experience distress," says Professor Vingerhoets. blub is the best thing we can do Try not to panic - instead, focus on breathing in through your to improve our mood nose, holding for two seconds, then breathing out slowly through pursed lips. This will steady your breath and help you regain control. WORDS DEBRA WATERS Touching the roof of your mouth with your tongue or pinching f you've ever found yourself crying Release the pressure I yourself may also curb crying. at an advert or a scene in a soap Although one in ten people will feel opera, for example, you may have worse after crying, and some will get been accused of being a tad too a headache or sore eyes, many of DON'T FEEL BETTER? emotional. But we cry for a reason us benefit from the experience. and, as the saying goes, it's better out than If you're crying more than feels "Crying is our body's way of releasing in. In fact, it can do us the world of good. emotion - a feeling, a pressure, something cathartic, or your emotions feel Surprisingly, scientists don't really know you've been holding in," explains overwhelming for more than two what goes on inside us when we cry. "We psychotherapist Anna Mathur, author weeks, see your doctor, says Anna. know that crying is a parasympathetic of Know Your Worth (£14.99/$18.50, Persistent tearfulness can be a sign reaction [the parasympathetic nervous Waterstones). "When we hold a lot of of depression or anxiety. system is our rest-and-digest function]. but emotions, we can become like a pressure we're not yet certain whether this activity cooker, until our body finds a way to is the cause or the result of the crying," let things go. You might feel tempted to says clinical psychologist Professor Ad rationalise tears when they flow over Vingerhoets. Here's what we do know something seemingly insignificant, but about crying's ability to help and try to respect this feeling until it passes." The power of tears It helps to heal Aside from the fact that crying makes us Have you noticed how, after crying, feel better - one study found that 50% of you feel calmer and more clear headed? participants reported an improvement in Or that shedding a few tears after their mood after shedding tears - people stubbing your toe makes the pain are more likely to reach out to us, and go away more quickly? This is even like us more, if they see us upset. because of your body's response "It stimulates empathy in others, SO to crying. "By letting tears go, that they're more willing to provide you are welcoming a release of support and comfort," says Professor happy hormones-endorphins - Vingerhoets. "To put it differently, tears and oxytocin-which - can connect." Research reveals that tearful induce anti-stress-like effects, people are seen as warmer, nicer, more such as a reduction of blood reliable and honest. "They are the kind pressure and cortisol levels," says of people we want as friends, neighbours Anna. "These endorphins also and colleagues," he says. "We consider interact with receptors in your them as fit for professions such brain, which can even reduce as doctor, teacher and police your perception of pain." LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>REDISCOVER YOUR OPTIMISM REDISCOVER YOUR Optimis Worn out by worrying and dwelling on the negative? It's time to turn things around WORDS EVA GIZOWSKA t can be hard not to let negativity took, an optimist will always try to see what Tries not to waste time and energy I seep in to your day, especially they can learn from the experience. They on complaining when something goes during stressful periods of life. A think of an unfortunate event as a temporary wrong, but focuses on what they do dose of optimism not only makes setback - not a permanent way of life. Even if to change or learn from a situation you feel better, but it's also good for something happens, a positive thinker your physical and emotional health - even believes good things will come again." Feels that nothing can hold them if initially you need to force yourself to "Optimists look on the bright side," back from achieving success feel more positive. "An optimistic person is reveals psychologist Dr Sandra Wheatley and reaching their goals always looking for the best in any situation (potentpsychology.com). "They emanate and expecting good things to happen," says a hopeful positivity. But, being optimistic Sees challenges and obstacles Kimberly Reed, author of Optimists Always doesn't mean you go into denial and as opportunities to learn Win (£10.95, Health Communications Inc.). pretend everything is fine when it's not. "Even if something negative happens, such It's a frame of mind where you hope for Feels gratitude for the good bits as the loss of a job, an optimist sees the the best but prepare for the worst." - even in a negative situation silver lining. For example, the chance to She adds that an optimist can look at pursue a more fulfilling career or hobby, a situation squarely in the eye and plan Has a positive attitude towards themselves and others or take a much-needed break. Optimists what to do if things go wrong. "By having a believe their actions result in positive contingency plan, this makes it easier to turn Is tenacious and carries on outcomes, that they are responsible for things around before there's a huge problem." their own happiness, and that they can when the going gets tough expect more good things in the future." Get the optimistic mindset Doesn't let one bad If you're an optimist you try to look for "Optimists tend to share several good in every situation. "An optimist views positive characteristics that can lead to experience colour their adverse events (such as your car being greater happiness and promote good expectations of the future broken into, redundancy and SO on) as a health," says Kimberly. An optimist: result of something outside of themselves," Accepts responsibility for mistakes Thinks about, reflects on and but doesn't dwell on them explains Kimberly. "But, even if it's something that happened as a result of an action they emphasises the good things in life Is always looking for ways to make the most of any opportunities " AN OPTIMIST THINKS OF that come their way AN UNFORTUNATE EVENT AS A There's a common assumption that optimism is the same as happiness, but TEMPORARY SETBACK RATHER THAN that's not the case. "While optimism can lead to greater happiness, it's actually to A PERMANENT WAY OF LIFE do with how you view the world," says Dr Wheatley. "Optimists experience difficulties 30 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>REDISCOVER YOUR OPTIMISM LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 31</p><p>REDISCOVER YOUR OPTIMISM and feel confident that you can expect published in the Journal of Psychosomatic " OPTIMISTS positive things to happen in the future. Research in 2014, it was shown that optimism is associated with reduced pain HAVE MORE HEALTH and symptoms after heart surgery. EFFECTIVE BENEFITS You're more likely to live longer Optimists are more likely to live a longer life COPING OF BEING AN 11-15% longer - and have a greater chance of OPTIMIST reaching 85 years of age, compared to those who have a more pessimistic disposition. STRATEGIES Latest research shows that optimism These are the findings of a study by the is associated with a number of physical Boston University School of Medicine in 2019 and psychological benefits. that followed nearly 70,000 women and and problems like anyone else. To be an 1,500 men over a timespan of 10 to 30 years. optimist doesn't protect you from feeling It's good for your heart negative emotions. If something bad In a recent US review of 15 studies It can help you to manage pain happens, you still feel the pain, upset, grief, that looked at 200,000 people** it was According to a recent review, optimists betrayal or disappointment. It's just that an shown that optimists had a 35% lower who expect positive outcomes are better optimistic mindset helps you cope better." risk of developing heart disease and a able to cope with and manage pain It In a recent Indian study* it was 14% reduced incidence of early death. seems that a positive attitude can help to shown that optimists tend to have more reduce the perception of pain. Whereas effective coping strategies, which helps them It lowers your stress hormones feeling negative, pessimistic and depressed to feel less stressed. Pessimists, on the other A study at Concordia University, Canada, appears to have a more adverse effect on hand, have a tendency to dwell on stressful asked participants to measure their daily someone's experience of pain; for example, feelings, which can make them feel worse. stress levels. Optimists were found to they find it more difficult to manage. So, what makes some people more have lower levels of stress hormones optimistic than others? "Some people are (such as Pessimists, who were It's an antidote to depression and just born naturally optimistic, it's part of their shown to go into 'fight or mode more makes you more resilient to stress genetic make-up," explains Dr Wheatley. "But frequently, triggered by negative thinking Another study, in the Natural Medicine your upbringing also has an impact. If you that exacerbated stress, had higher stress Journal in 2017, showed that people who grew up in an environment where there was hormones. When cortisol remains constantly are optimistic consider themselves as a focus on the positive, the likelihood is that elevated, this can lead to health problems. inherently protected (not vulnerable) and this would have had an effect on your own think about the world as a generally good attitude to life." Likewise, research shows You'll recover better from illness place. They tend to be happier, have a lower that if you had a parent who was pessimistic A positive mindset can help you to cope chance of facing depression, and manage or depressed, you're far more likely to have better with disease and recover better. In a stress more effectively. They're more likely a pessimistic outlook on life as an adult. But, recent study*** it was shown that optimists to practise healthy habits such as exercising, ultimately, optimism is a choice, and anyone had less inflammation and recovered more following a healthy diet and not smoking. can acquire a more optimistic mindset quickly after a stroke than those who had And they are more likely to seek help if that will help you to face life's challenges a more negative outlook. In another study, they need it than a pessimist 32 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>REDISCOVER YOUR OPTIMISM 7 WAYS TO BE MORE OPTIMISTIC 1. RECOGNISE OPTIMISM IS A CHOICE you feel bad," says Dr Wheatley. "If that includes YOU CAN MAKE EVERY DAY watching the news, then watch something "This doesn't mean you feel positive all the time; it's uplifting instead and let in the information that having the confidence to know you can cope with supports you." whatever life throws your way," says Dr Wheatley. "It means acknowledging the negative, while making a conscious effort to think optimistically. For example, 5. BE MINDFUL OF WHO it can be as simple as choosing to smile when you YOU SPEND TIME WITH feel glum. It's your choice to feel down, or to do "When you surround yourself with people something positive to take your mind in a different who make you feel happy and relaxed, this direction. You can't control everything, but if there's automatically makes you feel more positive," one thing you can control, it's what you think." explains Dr Wheatley. "That doesn't mean you can't share problems, or have off days, it's 2. BE MINDFUL OF NEGATIVE THINKING just that if you've got a good circle of friends, Next time you catch yourself having a who uplift and inspire you, it's easier to feel negative thought, swap it for a positive one. optimistic." She adds that negativity often comes "This might take some practice but after a from spending too much time on your own and while it will start to feel more natural," says Dr overthinking things. "That's why it's important Wheatley. "If you've had a bad day, tell yourself, to make time for your friends - even if it's just to 'Tomorrow will be better' and plan on what meet for a walk or talk on the phone." you can do to make it that way. Or, if you know you've got a Zoom meeting with a tricky 6. GET ACTIVE client, rather than approaching it "Rather than complaining, moaning and feeling with dread, prepare for the challenge and sorry for yourself, take a walk, go for a bike do your best, but afterwards let it go." ride, or hit the gym," says Kimberly. "The idea is to get your body moving. Physical activity 3. PRACTISE GRATITUDE releases endorphins and you're less likely to feel "Gratitude allows you to redirect your focus," pessimistic with these feel-good neurochemicals says Kimberly. "When you feel grateful, your circulating in your body. If you don't know where mind shifts your focus from what you should to start, download a fitness app." have more of, to what's good in your life right now. Practising gratitude is a process 7. REFRAME PAST SETBACKS of trying your best to see and be thankful for If you find your mind wandering to a past the positives in your life, even in the midst of a disappointment, such as a job or relationship difficult situation." that didn't work out, think of all the details you can remember, trying to be as objective as you 4. TURN OFF THE NEWS can. "In what way would you have wanted the How often do you wake up in a perfectly good situation to turn out better? Now reframe the mood, only to turn on the news and you end up situation by letting go of what you wanted to feeling angry, disappointed, fed up, fearful or happen and write a paragraph about what good depressed with everything that's going on in the came out of it," says Kimberly. Perhaps you got a world? "Limit yourself to anything that makes better job, or made a new circle of friends. LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 33 *International Journal of Indian Psychology, 2016 **Journal of the American Medical Association, September, 2019 ***American Stroke Association, 2020</p><p>SURVIVAL OF THE KINDEST OF THE KINDEST In a dog-eat-dog world where animals battle daily for survival, how did kindness ever evolve? What stops selfishness from taking over? And what are the benefits of being kind? WORDS LAURA MEARS ature is violent. In a world where N only the fittest survive, animals must engage in deadly battles to pass their selfish genes to the next generation. But, there's a wrinkle in this tale of teeth and claws. Sometimes, it's the kindest that survive. Biologically speaking, our primary goal as animals is to maximise our evolutionary fitness - our chances of passing on our genes to the next generation. And, in theory, every act of kindness comes at a cost. By putting the needs of others above our own, we reduce our evolutionary 'fitness' and increase theirs. Imagine a society where everyone is kind - if you do something nice for someone, they'll do something nice for you. You sacrifice some of your evolutionary fitness for them, but they pay you back. The evolutionary scales are balanced. What happens if someone cheats the system? You do something nice for them, but they do nothing kind in return. They improve their</p><p>SURVIVAL OF THE KINDEST " KINDNESS on your physiology. Your heart rate slows down, feel-good chemicals flood your system, and your outlook MAKES US FEEL on the world starts to change. Being kind is more than just a gift to those GOOD, EVEN around you it changes your internal chemistry, making you happier and WHEN no healthier from the inside out. IS Load up on happy hormones Every act of giving releases feel-good chemicals that change your physiology for the better. Oxytocin is the body's own chances of success and leave you in most powerful chemical signal of social the dust. If evolution were governed by a connection. Produced by the brain, it simple balance sheet that pitted the selfish travels through the bloodstream and against the selfless, kindness would rapidly floods every corner of the body. It has disappear. Luckily, it's not that simple. antidepressant-like effects, boosting feelings of empathy, increasing trust, Better together suppressing fear, and making us more The truth is, the evolutionary scales don't generous. It also dampens the release operate on a purely individual basis. of the stress hormone, cortisol, and even Families that are kind to each other have seems to decrease inflammation, helping an evolutionary advantage. If your goal is wounds to heal faster. ANIMAL to pass your genetic code on to the next generation, being kind to your sister, who Heal your neighbour shares your genes, helps to outweigh your Some acts of kindness have a health benefit INSTINCTS own evolutionary sacrifice. Unrelated groups for others, as well as for yourself. When that are kind to each other also fare better. A you put your hand on someone's shoulder group of individuals who work together can and gently stroke their forearm, you are easily outcompete a group of individuals doing something called who care only for themselves. And, when we This soothing type of physical kindness Cases of animals performing cooperate, something magical happens we activates specific nerve fibres that respond selfless acts suggest that the become more than the sum of our parts. only to gentle stroking. These nerve fibres trait of kindness isn't exclusive Human civilisation is built on kindness trigger a release of opiates, the body's natural morphine, relieving both physical and to humans. A famous example among complete strangers. We work together in groups to share favours on a emotional pain. Slow touches from people took place in the summer of scale completely unmatched in the animal we trust tell us that we're safe, and it's going to 1996, when a three-year-old kingdom. We divide tasks among individuals be okay. boy slid over the railings at to achieve more than any one of us ever Brookfield Zoo, Illinois, tumbling could alone. We're kind to strangers, not Reduce everyday stress into a gorilla enclosure. The fall because we want something from them as Helping others doesn't make hard days broke his arm and knocked him an individual, but because we all benefit from harder. In fact, on stressful days, making the the kindness of society as a whole. effort can make all the difference. Research unconscious. But in an incredible Being kind is SO important to our survival shows that even the tiniest acts of kindness act of animal kindness, eight- that it's become We might not can help to keep negative emotions at bay. year-old Binti Jua came to repay every act of kindness immediately, but Try something small, like holding open a his aid. The 150-pound gorilla we feel guilt and shame when we don't treat door for someone. looped her arm around the others well. When we see someone suffering, we feel their pain. When we stop to help, Start a happiness spiral boy's waist and lifted him to we're rewarded with a rush of endorphins. Research shows that counting kindnesses safety. She positioned herself Kindness makes us feel good, even when is a simple way to get more happiness out of between the infant and six other no one is looking, and this is the secret to your day. Just bringing attention to kindness adult gorillas, cradled him gently, humanity's success. in your life can instantly improve your and delivered him to paramedics mood. Then, a little magic starts to happen. You get what you give When we feel happy, we are more likely to waiting at the door to When it comes to kindness, you get back be kind. And, when we are kind, we are more her enclosure. almost as much as you put in, with every likely to have positive social interactions. altruistic action making you happier and This strengthens our social connections, healthier than before. Pure kindness comes which makes us happy, and the upward from a place of selflessness. But whether you cycle continues. counteract this with kindness. Research do a favour because you want something in shows that wishing others well, even just return, or out of the goodness of your heart, Feel more connected in your head, can increase your sense of you can't help but reap the rewards. Every act Comparing yourself to others can lead connection. Thoughts of 'loving of kindness you perform has subtle effects to feelings of disconnection, but you can lower anxiety and boost LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 35</p><p>SURVIVAL OF THE KINDEST Buffer a low mood return the favour. But kindness can also be We often judge ourselves more harshly its own reward. Even when we practise pure than we judge others, amplifying feelings " EVEN THE altruism, with no expectation of receiving of isolation, loneliness and rejection. anything in return, we still get that same Replacing that judgement with self-care rush of dopamine. The feel-good chemical TINIEST ACTS and self-compassion is sometimes all it is a reward in itself, a 'helper's 'high', and the takes to lift a low mood. Remember to be sensation can be addictive. OF KINDNESS kind to yourself, too. Heal a broken heart CAN HELP TO Relax and live longer The hormone surge generated by random Being kind and sharing your time for the acts of kindness has the power to protect benefit of others seems to reduce your KEEP NEGATIVE your heart. Oxytocin acts on the heart and risk of dying. The reasons for this aren't blood vessels, lowering blood pressure, completely clear, but one explanation is slowing the heart rate, and reducing EMOTIONS happiness: positive emotions make you It might also be able to help a healthier. Kindness makes people feel more broken heart to heal. AT BAY " connected, and this affects the vagus nerve, which controls the 'rest' modes of the heart, Relieve physical pain lungs and guts. The vagus nerve also opposes According to brain-scan research, being kind the 'fight or flight' response. Building social can numb physical pain. The parts of the connections can help the vagus nerve to brain involved in pain-processing seem to dial work better, taking the body out of threat down their activity when we act altruistically. mode and back into rest mode. In the study, participants received small electric shocks while researchers monitored Help a whole community their Not only did the volunteers feel Receiving an act of kindness makes people less pain when they had done something more likely to perform an act of kindness kind for someone else, but the effect also themselves, triggering a chain reaction. Your scaled according to how kind they felt kindness not only improves your own health, they had been. The kinder they were, the but the health of everyone who chooses to less it hurt. pass that kindness on. Get high on helping Kindness isn't always selfless, and the brain's reward pathway knows it. It lights up when we do something kind, because it knows that when we help someone else, they often 36</p><p>ON SALE NOW! Track your feelings and identify patterns Build your a sleep, complete diet, picture of the mood influences in your life - record factors affect how physical health, mental health and much information on you feel in order to make small changes more. to improve Look at your how moods. these NEW FEELINGS & MOOD JOURNAL + to record An interactive way feel and improve state of mind Ordering is easy. Go online at: WWW.MAGAZINESDIRECT.COM Or get it from selected supermarkets & newsagents</p><p>GRATITUDE & WELLBEING gratitude WELLBEING The simple act of focusing on the positives in your life can have a huge impact on your physical and mental wellbeing WORDS JULIE BASSETT ometimes life has a habit of our lives," explains clinical psychologist Dr motivated to look after your body through S getting you down. There's no Sarah Maynard (www.wildandpreciousminds exercise, healthy eating and mindfulness. need to feel bad - it happens com). "Learning to feel grateful shows us what to us all from time to time. The there is to appreciate and be thankful for in Barriers to gratitude everyday routine can become our lives right now, and can create a sense of It can be difficult to show gratitude in our mundane, and we can feel SO busy that contentment and fulfilment, without actually lives if it's new to us. It's not uncommon to time seems to fly by without anything really changing anything. This in turn can be be stuck in a negative mindset, seeing the seeming to happen. It can be hard to look at something that lowers our stress levels and downside and struggling to embrace the the positives in your life, but there are real affects us physically." good. So, how can we introduce gratitude into benefits, both physical and mental, if you take This feeling of gratefulness can impact our daily lives? Dr Maynard says: "The best the time to harness the power of gratitude. different areas in your life. For example, way to develop a gratitude habit is to practise Recognising things and people in your instead of constantly focusing on what little and often. This helps build the neural life that you're grateful for can have a huge you don't like about your body, remind pathways in our brain SO the habit becomes impact on your wellbeing. "Being grateful yourself what it can do from a non-aesthetic more automatic. A great exercise is the 'ten- for people, things and situations in our lives perspective. You might be grateful to it for finger gratitude (finding something can create a balanced view in our mindset enabling you to walk along the beach, bend we are grateful for, for each finger), which and lead us to experience the abundance down to pick up a child, or take part in an stretches our thinking SO we realise how in our lives, rather than feeling closed, exercise class. By turning your attention to much there is around us to be grateful for, deprived and constantly striving to better these positives, you are far more likely to feel both the big stuff and the small stuff." 38 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>GRATITUDE & WELLBEING KEEP A GRATITUDE DIARY A gratitude diary is a great way of helping you to focus on the things you are grateful for. There is no set format for you to start a diary, though there are some you can buy with handy headers and ideas to prompt your thoughts. All you really need, though, is five minutes a day with a notepad and pen. You really should try and write in your gratitude diary every day, which helps to establish a good habit. Write down anything good that happens in your day. You could carry it with you and journal something as soon as it happens, or you could make it a regular part of your pre-bedtime routine. There is no limit to the things you can cover. Did you have a nice walk into work? Write it down. Did you manage a task for the first time? Write it down. It can be big things and small things. A gratitude diary is only for noting down the positives, to build up a resource that you can pull out whenever you feel down you can look back on all the good things that have happened to you. If you prefer a more structured approach, you could work to a set format in your gratitude diary. You could list five things that you were grateful for today, one person you were grateful for today, and one personal skill you were grateful for today. This can really help to streamline your thoughts, if that's how you work. The key thing to remember is that this is purely personal - it is what you are grateful for. What makes you happy is very individual, and your diary is a reflection of that. Give it a try and see if you can isolate those first ten things that you're grateful for in your life right now. If you find it difficult, you're not alone. Dr Maynard explains that there is a psychological reason why this happens: "The brain is typically able to hold on to negative thoughts (so-called 'velcro thoughts') because it determines that these may be important to our survival, whereas positive thoughts (including areas like gratitude) are so-called 'teflon because they more easily slip right out of our minds and off our radar unless they are consciously practised." There are barriers to overcome to embrace a life of gratitude. Dr Maynard says that when we're in a negative mindset, "it's easy to convince ourselves there is nothing good in our lives worth being grateful for, or anything significant to include." This is limiting our ability to show gratitude and it takes practise THANKFUL FOR WHAT YOU to let go of this negativity: "If we buy into this thought, we stay stuck. If we get a bit of HAVE; YOU'LL END UP HAVING distance from this thought and recognise 'this is just a thought', we become free to look MORE. IF YOU CONCENTRATE on for things we are grateful for, regardless of whether such thoughts are present or not." WHAT YOU DON'T HAVE, YOU WILL Start to feel grateful If you would like to introduce gratitude into NEVER, EVER HAVE your life, Dr Maynard has some tips: "Look around you; there is always something to - OPRAH WINFREY LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 39</p><p>GRATITUDE & WELLBEING be grateful for. Maybe it's simply the fact we As you practise gratitude daily and start are alive. Anything or anyone that brings to feel the benefits, pass it on by showing " ONCE YOU pleasure and wonder into your life, be it the your gratitude towards others. blue sky, or your committed partner, can be "Demonstrating and voicing gratitude something to be grateful for." towards others can take them by surprise!" Once you start consciously seeking things says Dr Maynard. "However, it opens up the you are grateful for, you suddenly start to opportunity to show others how much we SEEK THINGS realise how much good there is around you. value them, and in turn cultivate a more It can be worth starting a gratitude diary reciprocal exchange of appreciation towards YOU ARE (see the box below) to list the things you are each other. Being grateful also creates a grateful for each day. ripple effect; if someone has been the GRATEFUL FOR, There are SO many benefits to being recipient of gratitude, they may be more grateful. Those who practise gratitude likely to pass this on in their interactions YOU REALISE daily might experience better sleep - one with others." Whether it's through writing technique is to run through all of the things letters, sending flowers or a verbal you are grateful for or everything that was expression of appreciation, it's well worth HOW MUCH good about your day just before you go to sharing your gratitude. sleep. This puts you in a positive mindset Make today the first day you consciously GOOD THERE IS for a good night's sleep, SO you can wake show gratitude for the good things and up feeling refreshed and ready to face a people in your life, and see how it impacts on AROUND YOU " new day. your wellbeing. WRITE DOWN ALL THE THINGS YOU ARE GRATEFUL FOR 40 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>ON SALE NOW! Acknowledge life's positives for a happier mindset This 52-week guide has space for you to record the things that make feel grateful. With prompts and activities to encourage you to appreciate yourself, you home, friends, family, health and much more, see how quickly your mindset improves. your NEW A 52-week guide to being grateful for yourself, your home, friends, family, health and much more Gratitude Ordering is easy. Go online at: L Or get it from selected supermarkets & newsagents</p><p>ACHIEVING FORGIVENESS Achieving FORGIVENESS Closing doors on our painful pasts can open those to the future WORDS AILSA HARVEY orgiving someone isn't an F acceptance of the person who has wronged you, and doesn't have to mean that you're now okay with whatever has happened. To forgive someone means you're simply crossing the line between being stuck focused on the past and accepting the present. You no longer want revenge, and the negative feelings that you accumulated in the aftermath are decreasing. Forgiveness is accepting the fact that it did happen, rather than torturing your brain with thoughts of the alternatives. When you are ready to move on and live in the moment, you are ready to forgive. This sounds much simpler than the reality, especially when circumstances can be complex and range in severity. LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>ACHIEVING FORGIVENESS We might think we are ready to move on when our minds have actually just buried the pain, ready for it to resurface later. Human beings are sensitive creatures. Our HOW TO FORGIVE brains are complex machines, home to a range of emotions, and each one is wired slightly differently. As it rapidly fires signals in response to the events around you, people quickly learn which actions bring If you have found it challenging to forgive those who mistreated them happiness or flood them with dread. you in the past, that doesn't mean you can't train yourself to Designed to protect your social wellbeing, emotions can keep you away from things forgive. Psychologists often work with those desperate to leave that have previously caused heartache, and their painful pasts behind them and have discovered that those encourage you to strive for potential rewards. who struggled beforehand were able to achieve forgiveness with Some of the most powerful emotions come some guidance. One of the main factors standing in the way of this from betrayal and can have a lasting impact. closure was overthinking. When the trauma is revisited regularly The strength of the anger, upset and fear and in a negative way, this is called rumination. Whether these are that traumatic events can have on us often leaves our minds lacking the trust it may angry, sad or anxious ruminations, they can continue to jeopardise have once held in an individual. Knowing mental wellbeing for as long as they persist. By keeping the neural that someone has been the cause of the pain signals for negative emotions firing in the brain, there's not enough that is affecting our daily life can leave our space between these thoughts for the forgiving process to develop. thoughts of them tinted with resentment. So The best way to enable forgiveness is to try to empathise with the when should we try to let go of this blame? How can we and why should we learn to perpetrator, as hard as it may seem. Only when you try to understand leave the past behind us? the true reasons and stop demonising the can you begin to The truth is there's no quick fix, and get clarity and attempt acceptance. beginning the act of forgiveness can't be Negative emotions often can't be controlled easily, when they do forced. You might be the type of person who occur, acknowledging your feelings is the best step to take. Actively will firmly wedge a barrier between you and an old friend for that one time they let your telling yourself feel angry' will force you to remain aware of your secret slip, or you may be able to forgive a feelings in order to learn from them. Almost like you're an outsider stranger who has committed a despicable witnessing your thoughts, your psychological distancing will enable crime. Could you ever forgive someone who you to eventually regain some power over your mind. had taken the life of someone you love? For some people, it's the only option if they are to move on. It's a process that victims of crime are regularly offered through the criminal forgive. Rather than focusing on the betrayal, smaller insular cortices have been found to justice system. Bringing the victim and the these people are more likely to dwell on the be more likely to be forgiving. This is part of offender face to face can give closure to those positive aspects of that person. In a romantic the brain that is also responsible for providing who beforehand felt only resentment. relationship, the victim might be inclined to feelings of disgust, indicating that those Readiness to forgive varies based on the forgive their long-term partner as they think with a tendency of being easily offended mindset of the victim and the status of the they have more to lose if they don't attempt may also struggle to forgive. If you find that original relationship Forgiving a serious and to forgive. Those who have experienced a forgiveness doesn't seem to come naturally personal crime usually takes more time, as it betrayal early on in a relationship might be to you and it's starting to impact your quality presents sensitive consequences. However, less willing to mend their connection. of life, there are mental health professionals for smaller acts of offence, we are less likely Studies analysing the reasons behind who can advise you of the best steps to take. to need to forgive a stranger. As the person people's reluctance to forgive show that most It's a process that takes time, but this time isn't previously known to us, the event seems of the time they are avoiding coming across can be essential for healing. When your less personal and can be quickly forgotten, as weak. This is a common brain completes this process, the energy it but it's more likely to play on the mind when It might feel like you are backing down from once used to cause pain can now be utilised it involves someone we have collected data your corner during what, in your head, is to keep moving past, through and most on. Your brain knows your best friend well, a fight for justice, but in actuality forgiving importantly but this added bit of information taints your someone takes much more power. Finding overall view of them. To return to the feelings the mental strength to prevent the disloyalty you previously held, you need to forgive and from taking over your thoughts also " HOW CAN WE erase this data anomaly. empowers your mental health. Not only have Coming from someone who was SO highly you fought the challenge they presented, but AND WHY SHOULD regarded can make betrayals more painful. you have fought your own misplaced pride. How could they have done this? Are they the It's also crucial to acknowledge that even WE LEARN TO person you originally thought they were? though there are professional psychologists For some, the closer the person is, and the and useful methods available to help you more serious their offence, the harder it can catalyse the process of forgiveness, two LEAVE THE PAST be to forgive the intent behind it. For others, people's brains won't work identically in though, this close bond is what helps them the same scenario. For example, those with BEHIND US? LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 43</p><p>LEARNING TO TRUST TO TRUST Trust is a powerful emotion that builds relationships and connections, but our lived experiences feed into our ability to trust WORDS JULIE BASSETT rust is a key part of good relationships T and friendships, yet it doesn't come as easily to some of us as it does to others. It's hard to define what trust is. Sure, there is the dictionary definition - 'a firm belief in the reliability, truth or ability of someone or - but real trust is far less tangible than that. Our ability to trust in the people around us is influenced by our experiences, our past, our instincts and our personality. Trust is something that is at the heart of our daily life in many ways. We have to put our trust in people at work, when commuting, for our medical health and SO on. Every time you order a taxi, you're putting your trust in the driver to get you safely from A to B. When you hire someone to deliver a service (a tradesperson, for example, or a babysitter), you have to trust that they will do a good job. When you have a confidential business conversation with a new client, you need to trust that they won't pass knowledge on. You need to have trust in medical professionals, government bodies and employers to have your best interests at heart. Trust is a thread that runs through all our connections, from the closest relationships to people we meet only fleetingly. When trust is broken, it can be hard to restore, and it can influence how we trust in the future. 44 YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>LEARNING TO TRUST When it comes to meeting people for the first time, we unknowingly take a lot of cues from the environment around us, as well as the behaviour and appearance of the person 5 WAYS TO BUILD TRUST we're meeting. Not only that, cultural and societal influences have a large part to play in our ability to trust. Think back to your childhood: how often were you told not to If you want to develop trust in a new relationship or speak to strangers? How many stories have friendship, try these top tips. you read over the years where terrible things have happened to victims at the hands of LISTEN people they trusted? How many times have you heard of people falling for scam emails or When someone you're with is talking, listen to them properly phone calls because they trusted what they and intently. Trust is a two-way connection and as they open up to were told? Everything we have heard, seen you, you'll feel more confident about opening up in return. and experienced in our life feeds into our ability to trust people now. If you've had your COMMUNICATE YOUR WORRIES heart broken, you may find it hard to trust a new partner. If a friend spills your secrets, If you find it hard to trust due to a specific past experience, then you won't be able to trust them in the future. don't be afraid to explain this, and that you're trying to learn to If you're passed over at work for a promotion trust again. Honesty breeds trust. you were promised, you might not be able to trust your boss is looking out for you. If you're misdiagnosed by a medical professional, TAKE YOUR TIME you may always distrust doctors. There are Don't rush into anything. Take a little time to build a new relationship and hundreds of scenarios throughout our lives the trust that comes with it, and stick to your boundaries. that contribute to the way we trust. The deepest trust is developed over time, whether that's with our partners, our family or our DON'T ASSUME oldest friends. Those people who we feel Set aside your doubts for a period of time; it can be easy to fall into comfortable around, share our secrets and a trap thinking that a person is going to let you down in some way fears with, and feel safe among. But we need that you've experienced before, but you need to give each fresh to be able to build trust with new people too. connection a chance to flourish (or not) on its own terms. Trust is complex. Without knowing it, we subconsciously apply all of these learnings and experiences to situations in which we TAKE A RISK need to trust someone. Often this manifests Be bold! Put yourself into a situation where you need to put a little itself as instinct; when we meet someone trust into the other person. Book an activity to do together, or arrange to new, we get a about whether we go somewhere new, putting you both outside of your comfort zone a can trust them or not. We also need to trust little and therefore needing to have faith in each other. our own instincts; if we've been burned once by someone we put trust into, we may then not trust ourselves to not make the same mistakes again and question it's an emotion, and like any emotion it by society, family or belief. Focus on what our ability to read situations or people. can be hard to control or question. you believe in, what values you hold close to How much these past experiences There is also, potentially, a chemical your heart and who you are. This will help influence future trust varies hugely from element to trust. The working theory is you to live your life in a way that's true to person to person, depending on our that trust can be linked to oxytocin, which you as a person, and these new experiences personalities. Some people can dissociate we already know plays a key role in social will then feed into your instincts and trust, past experiences from future experiences bonding and love. One study* suggests helping you build new relationships. When they understand that because one person that oxytocin plays a role in a person's you meet people, explore your feelings and treated them in a particular way, doesn't willingness to accept social risks - choosing gut instinct over whether you trust them mean that another person will be the to trust someone does require taking a risk. question why you feel that way and what same. Others find it harder to let go and Whether you're someone who trusts too could be feeding into those emotions. Over project past trauma into present situations. easily, or someone who is very distrustful, time, you'll learn to trust your instincts, Some people are naturally more cynical there are ways that you can manage to finding a balance between being able to trust about the world around them; some are develop a healthy level of trust. It starts and being open to new relationships, and incredibly open and accepting for new with being able to set your own boundaries protecting your boundaries and wellbeing. possibilities. Trust is more than a feeling; and values, rather than being influenced If your inability to trust comes from a significant past trauma, you may need professional help to move forward. Talking " OUR ABILITY TO TRUST IS to someone through therapy, for example, can help you to face your experiences and INFLUENCED BY OUR EXPERIENCES give you the support you need to move forward, helping you to learn to trust again. LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 45 *Kosfeld, M., Heinrichs, M., Zak, P. et al. Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature 435, 673-676 (2005)</p><p>REGRETS ARE GOOD FOR YOU Regrets ARE GOOD FOR YOU Stuck in a rut of wishing you'd done things differently? It's hard to break free, but processing regrets can help us move forward LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>REGRETS ARE GOOD FOR YOU WORDS CLARE BOWIE ver wish you'd left the house have set in our personal or professional lives. E earlier, reworded that email DO IT Dryden suggests we try switching or stopped short of being the negative conversations in our heads to KARIN SIEGER cajoled into a full head of productive ones. Instead of 'I should have Karin is a psychotherapist, writer and highlights? We all have regrets, done that', self-berating, try asking the harder podcaster. She specialises in help with big and small, and the good news is that questions, 'I wonder why I did/didn't do that?' we should be giving ourselves permission The answers will help you to remove your transitions, anxiety, grief and life- blinkers, accept your past self and open the changing illnesses. karinsieger.com to have them. No more ruminating over what we did or didn't do the new goal door to repair. is not to be a victim of the past, and to learn to accept ourselves just as we are. BREAK THE HABIT ACKNOWLEDGE 3 Okay, you've realised that REGRETS regrets can be persistent and Regrets are a common experience very convincing Sieger refers to WINDY DRYDEN and it's unrealistic to believe that them as "slippery and seductive," life can, or should, be devoid of because they draw you in and exhaust your Emeritus professor of psychotherapeutic them. The sorrow over regrets' emotional reserves. To help you move on studies at Goldsmiths University, Windy (relationships, work, health, life choices and and break the cycle of ruminative regret, specialises in single-session and very on) can "run deep and feel very intense," Dryden suggests the next step is to "neither brief interventions. He's written many says Karin Sieger. The key is to acknowledge engage nor try to eliminate them." Try their existence and then learn how to manage thinking of something you regret, like a books, including Ten Steps to Positive them. Nobody can sashay through life getting conversation with a friend where you Living (Routledge). it correct every time, making all the right gossiped too Don't dwell on all the decisions at exactly the right moments. Of details, fuelling your frustration and shame. course, there may well be a job or relationship Instead, allow the memory to exist but not that you still dwell on by acknowledging consume or rule you. that these feelings exist, you can learn to DO IT If you feel the familiar negative thought rationalise their impact by choosing the level pattern seeping in, breathe slowly inwards and of emotional pull they have over you. think to yourself, 'What can I learn from this?'. CANDI WILLIAMS DO IT Take back control by giving yourself Remind yourself of Dryden's words: 'I thought permission to acknowledge that the regret it was right at the time I did it. It may have Candi is the author of How to be exists, but detach from the emotional impact been bad, but I'm not Breathe deeply, Perfectly Imperfect (Summersdale). you are feeding it with. "Regrets can make exhale the negative emotion and choose not to us feel stuck and block us from growing and re-engage with it. fulfilling our potential," says Sieger. Remind yourself that regrets are human we all LEARN FROM LET YOURSELF have them. REGRETS 5 OFF THE HOOK Regrets represent our conscience Sieger's most powerful message ACCEPT THE PAST and they can motivate us to is that we should forgive 2 Inflexible thinking can trap us in a take corrective action in the ourselves and step away from cycle of regretting past decisions, future. Pinpoint what it is that makes you negative thought patterns by "acting on according to Windy Dryden. "We feel regretful, and what traps you keep falling regrets, responsibly and fairly towards blame ourselves for what has Perhaps you drink too much, overspend, others and most of all towards ourselves." happened rather than seeing our behaviour or speak without thinking first. Aim to Remind yourself that it's never too late and, in a wider context and understanding why tweak your future responses. Making a poor if handled correctly, many an important we took the path we did, based on the decision does not mean that you are doomed life lesson and positive change can grow information we had at the time." We may to permanent failure. As Sieger reminds us, out of regrets. Candi Williams reiterates this have spent years regretting a decision like "Regrets can turn into the experiences that thought process and describes how not going for a new job, deciding not to help you unfold your potential." limiting it is to try to live a life where breastfeed or emigrating to the other side of DO IT Practise mindful strategies like everything is 'perfect'. She recommends the world, when the truth is that that decision counting to ten before reacting in triggering that we focus on living purposefully rather probably made sense at the time. It's only situations. Be aware of the impact of your than perfectly, that we can reach a place with hindsight it perhaps falls short of the words. Focus on things you can control, like where we no longer "magnify flaws and romantic fixed narrative we had constructed starting a spending diary or monitoring your play down strengths." alcohol intake. DO IT Williams advises us to conserve our for ourselves; the impossible standards we energy for positivity rather than wasting energy holding on to pain. "Learn to let go of things that hurt you, no longer serve you or " REGRETS CAN MOTIVATE US make you question your worth." The release you feel will "give you more time and space TO TAKE CORRECTIVE " to focus on things that really matter things that bring you happiness, joy and self-love." LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 47</p><p>YOU CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING Control YOU CAN'T EVERYTHING but that is okay; because there is joy and magic to be found when you free your thoughts, says former Buddhist monk Björn Natthiko Lindeblad 48 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>YOU CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING WORDS FAITH HILL 2020 study revealed that we and let the other pebbles on the beach jostle A humans have a staggering us and rub against us and wear us thoughts per our sharp edges will slowly but surely fade." BJÖRN NATTHIKO But being able to let go of at LINDEBLAD least some of these helps Swedish public speaker and us to reduce anxiety and stress, making 3 ACCEPT YOU our lives feel lighter and less complicated. MAY BE WRONG meditation teacher Björn Natthiko It can cause suffering if you hold Lindeblad spent 17 years as a too tightly to fixed thoughts, Buddhist monk in Thailand, England 1 LISTEN TO YOUR beliefs or opinions. They may stop you and Switzerland. He is the author INNER WISDOM from moving forward when you want to of / May Be Wrong: And Other Learning to listen to yourself, to make a change in your life, or means you Wisdoms from Life as a Forest your innate voice of inner wisdom don't truly listen to someone else in the or intuition, is a valuable life tool. Björn middle of a disagreement. Being able to Monk (Bloomsbury, £16.99 ($19.65)). calls it "the intelligence of the moment" let go of a thought or opinion, even if you and describes it as a finely quiet believe it to be right, can be liberating. compass inside you. Other voices may DO IT A wise senior monk shared a Björn witnessed his own thoughts get in the way of your inner valuable mantra with Björn 20 years ago, when he joined a new monastery, which such as when you seek advice from which has helped him to let go ever since. to him was rather disorganised, where others. Your ego has a voice too "It often The mantra is: may be wrong. I may be "things weren't done in a proper way." drowns out everything else with its noisy wrong. I may be The next time DO IT Practise Björn's simple hand demands," says Björn. These extra voices you sense a conflict brewing, repeat this movement to let go of thoughts: shut off access to your own intelligence. mantra to let go of fixed thoughts and "Clench your fist really hard and then let DO IT Create moments of stillness to to become more open to other ideas. it unfold into an open hand. It's a good allow your inner wisdom to speak up. illustration of how we can let go of things we Choose a quiet room and pick a time cling to too like feelings or convictions." when you won't be distracted. Björn 4 LEAVE ROOM advises tracking your breathing to FOR MIRACLES When you think about the 6 BALANCE CONTROL find stillness. Follow each inhale, each WITH TRUST exhale and any pauses in between. your mind might spiral The phrase 'trust the universe" into unhelpful negative thought patterns, holds wisdom it not only 2 PRACTISE especially if you have a tendency to imagine encourages positive thinking, but it also EMPATHY worst-case scenarios. For example, if an helps you to relinquish control. While You may be annoyed by people's investment goes south, you might think Björn says there is a place for control in behaviour or have opinions you'll never recoup the loss. But just because certain circumstances, such as organising about how they should or shouldn't be, one unwelcome thing happens, it does not your taxes or choosing childcare, there's but developing empathy will allow you mean another will follow. "Loosening our value in learning to trust, especially if some to let go of unhelpful thoughts. Björn grip on these types of convictions is a sign aspects of life are outside of your control. lived closely with many different people of wisdom," says Björn. "Trying to direct and "My guiding star on my journey back and all their quirks throughout his predict everything just makes life hard." to work was trust," says Björn who had monastic journey. "It's only human to find DO IT Leave room for miracles to happen, to navigate re-entry into "normal" life and other people But it can be an advises Don't overpack your diary to find a job after 17 years as a monk. unnecessary drain on your resources," ensure you have a little time and space each DO IT "Trying to control everything he says. Accepting others, just as they are, day to 'just be'. A valuable idea or wondrous makes life lonely, tough, fraught and makes life easier and relaxes you both. thought could come at such a moment. anxious. Trust life a bit more!" says Björn. The same goes when you feel accepted, Ask yourself if trust or control is best for just as you you feel welcome, without you in a certain situation perhaps a judgement, and are able to move forward with all of your strengths and talents. DO IT To build empathy for other people, 5 LET GO OF balance of both is required. You can 'SHOULD' plan a holiday, but you may have Over time, you develop ideas to trust that you will enjoy it. Björn suggests visualising yourself and on how things should be, how everyone around you as pebbles on a beach. tasks should be done, or how people "When we get to the beach, we're all rough should behave. This mindset reduces and jagged pebbles. Then the waves of life your flexibility and narrows the chance roll in. And if we can find it in us to stay there of you learning something new. " CREATE OF STILLNESS TO ALLOW YOUR INNER WISDOM TO SPEAK UP " LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 49 Queen's University, Kingston, Canada</p><p>WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK? WHAT'S Holdin YOU Want to clear away the obstacles that are stopping you from moving forward? The answer is in your hands - here's how WORDS FAITH HILL ife can feel like a game of chess fear about attending a new social event, L - do we make this move or that remember what you are in control of - for GERRY HUSSEY one? Do we take a risk or play example, what you wear, who you talk to, how it safe? Sometimes we know much you spend and what time you leave." is a performance psychologist what is holding us back from who has worked in the fields of health taking a step forward; sometimes we have and performance for 20 years. no idea. Often it is something within us that 2 DON'T GET STUCK He shares his personal journey in we have the power to change. Performance IN THE PAST Awaken Your Power Within psychologist Gerry Hussey gives us six tips Each time you think about an (£14.99/$18.50, Hachette Books Ireland). for moving past those mental roadblocks. event from your past, such as an unresolved trauma or business failure, your brain doesn't know if the event is happening 1 LET GO OF FEAR again or if you are just remembering LIVE YOUR Fear - of change, failure, rejection it. It creates the same physical, mental, BEST LIFE or the unknown - can really hold emotional and physiological responses as 3 Just like living in the past, you back. Yet fear is just a thought, the original experience. "This is the state of worrying about the future can created in your mind. When faced with fear, the 'frozen present'," says Gerry. "As long as stop you from living your best life now, in you can easily overestimate the challenge you are trapped and imprisoned in it, your the present. "We get caught up in ahead and underestimate your abilities. thinking and happiness can be no different the immediate," says Gerry. "We You unconsciously set limits to what is than they were at the time of trauma." never reflect and make the required possible, which in turn perpetuates the fear. DO IT The practice of forgiveness is changes to the important things." DO IT Knowing what is - and isn't - within extremely helpful in order to move on. DO IT Gerry has a daily mantra that your control helps you to reduce the Gerry suggests writing a letter to someone will help to draw you back to the intensity of fear. "Control that which is involved to say they are forgiven. Maybe it present. Ask yourself, 'What's within your control and let everything else is even a self-addressed letter, Important Now?' Use the memorable go," advises Gerry. For example, if you have forgiving yourself. acronym: 'WIN'. 50 LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY</p><p>WHAT'S HOLDING YOU BACK? 4 REALISE YOUR POTENTIAL Most of your adult beliefs about yourself were developed during the first eight years of your life. These beliefs determine what you do in adulthood. You are capable of achieving the life you want. "Most of us don't take time to ask the bigger questions," reflects Gerry. DO IT Make a vision board a collage of images, words and ideas that represents the best version of you and your aspirations for life. Take a large sheet of paper and on it glue pictures and quotes cut from magazines. Put it up in a visible place to inspire you. "Visualisation is a powerful practice to build greater inner resilience, motivation and performance, and helps manifest your goals, dreams and desires," says Gerry. CHANGE THE 5 PERSONALITY 'LABELS' YOU " CONTROL GIVE YOURSELF Your brain creates labels to help it to organise THAT WHICH IS your thoughts, experiences and memories. Without awareness, you label yourself in an unhelpful manner, such as being uncreative, WITHIN YOUR the quiet type or a bad sleeper. You say phrases such as "This is just the way I am' ACCEPT AND CONTROLS or my personality These self- LOVE YOURSELF created labels hold you back. "We dismiss The starting point of positive and suppress our true self in the fear that it transformation is loving we are rejecting and which part of our is not enough and, in doing SO, we suppress yourself for who you are right now. It uniqueness we are strangling," says Gerry. our dreams, our passions, and we deny creates a basis of love and acceptance, DO IT Face yourself in the mirror every ourselves the life we deserve," says Gerry. rather than one of fear and rejection. day. Take a deep breath in and a nice DO IT Gerry has three self-enquiry From a young age, your brain learns slow exhale out. Look into your eyes and questions to help you break free from mind-based skills such as comparison repeat loving affirmations such as 'I am a self-limiting labels: 'Are these stories and with others and self-judgement, which kind person', 'I honour my caring heart', 'I beliefs serving me well? Are they opening can have a negative effect on your sense love and respect myself', 'I am willing to my mind and my heart or are they closing of self-worth. However, you also have the love and "The very them? And are these the stories I want ability to learn more helpful, positive skills act of being able to look in the mirror and to spend the rest of my life listening to, such as self-compassion and self-love. feel love and pride towards the person and living from, or is it time to change the "It is important we ask ourselves from you see is the single most transformative The answer is in your hands. time to time which part of ourselves step you will ever take," says Gerry. LIVE YOURSELF HAPPY 51</p>